Q: As a longtime principal of a middle school, I’m used to emotional scenes in my building. It’s hard to rattle me. Crying teachers, ticked-off teachers, silent fumers — you name it, I’ve experienced it. It helps that it’s not usually directed “at” me. It’s more that they’re emoting “near” me. I consider it a sign of trust. My staff has always been willing to let down their guard and confide in me about everything from personal family problems to mental health issues to conflicts with colleagues. When they’re the ones coming to me, it’s straightforward. They have chosen to seek out my support, and I try to be a good listener and help them. But I’m not sure what to do in this situation. A few weeks ago I decided to store some supplies in a large closet that doubles as a room for nursing new mothers. I normally would knock before entering, especially since it’s sort of tacitly understood by everyone that this closet is solely for those who are nursing, but since we don’t have any new mothers on staff, I walked right in. I mean, we have so many COVID-related supplies these days, and space is at a premium! But the second I opened the door, I wished I had announced my presence in advance. One of our new, first-year teachers was in the closet sobbing. The second she saw me she gasped, put her face in her hands, mumbled an apology and turned her back to me. It was clear she wanted a private space where she could take off her mask and cry. It was equally clear that she felt horribly embarrassed and caught off guard. I’m sure she didn’t expect anyone, let alone the male principal, to enter the “nursing room.” I apologized for the intrusion and retreated right away.
Over the next week or two, I noticed that this teacher would switch directions and walk the other way when she saw me coming. Yesterday, another teacher told me this teacher told her that she would never be able to look me in the eye again. That she felt too “humiliated” to face me. The teacher who relayed this information encouraged me to just let it go — that the embarrassment would wear off in time. I would like to address it more directly, however, so I can reassure her that I’m not judging her. My heart goes out to all teachers, but especially to all the ones who are new to the profession. It’s a hard enough job without the stress of covering for colleagues, getting quarantining students up to speed, projecting through a mask all day, and communicating with unusually stressed-out parents. What do you think? Will I make this worse if I handle it directly? My gut is telling me to say something to defuse the situation.
A: When you mentioned that you entered a room for nursing mothers without knocking, I expected your story to go in a different direction. In other words, this situation could have been worse. Perspective is everything! Along those lines, I think it’s important to remember that while the new teacher’s tears didn’t faze you, this might have been the first time she cried in front of an employer. She has no way of knowing other teachers cry in your presence and seek you out for support or that you’re not judging her. All she knows is that you retreated when you caught her in a moment of vulnerability. You don’t know her well either, but you do know that two weeks after the incident, she still feels deeply uncomfortable around you.
For those reasons, I would trust your gut and talk to her, but with a couple caveats. She seems very private, so I wouldn’t address the issue when you’re passing in the hall. I’d schedule a meeting, but to tamp down her anxiety, I’d be clear about the reason you want to talk. When you do meet, I’d be careful not to “mine for misery” or pepper her with questions about why she was upset. If she discloses too much too soon, she could end up feeling over-exposed, and that could compound her embarrassment. Instead, make the meeting about you. Tell her you wanted to apologize for catching her off guard, and that you left the room quickly because you wanted to preserve her privacy, but you’re always happy to listen and support her. You can normalize that even experienced teachers get emotional and overwhelmed, and the pandemic has only exacerbated everyone’s stress. If you have any positive feedback, share it with her. That could boost her confidence and comfort level. Whether she chooses to keep the conversation superficial or decides to disclose something more personal, she’s likely to feel less awkward going forward.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
