Q: I know we’re in a better place than March 2020. We understand COVID better. We’ve moved on to a new, less dangerous variant. We have vaccines and boosters and mitigation plans in place (leaving aside the fact that they’re subpar, at least in my public school district). And yet, I feel like I’m stuck in a Groundhog Day time loop, reliving the same damn thing over and over again: The worry that I’ll get sick; the worry that my kids will get sick (now that benefits for teachers who need to take COVID-related leave have expired); the fear that we’ll go back to virtual teaching (which I despise, and which made teaching students in-person even harder when they returned), and the frustration about inadequate staffing (which was a problem long before COVID but is absurd now).
However, all of that pales in comparison to the feeling of being stuck. We were right on the cusp of things feeling more normal. Younger kids were getting vaccinated. Older teens and teachers were getting booster shots. I was seeing my own friends and family more. And then, BOOM! Holiday plans had to be canceled, and I missed yet another chance to see my family. New Year’s Plans were canceled as well, along with plans to celebrate my husband’s 45th birthday with several close friends. My own kids were so excited to be playing basketball on a rec team this winter, but I just got word that their league is in “wait-and-see mode.” And we’re seeing the same online vitriol about teachers that we saw when schools were last in hybrid mode.
So, I’m feeling this combination of dread for myself, disappointment for my children, low morale (because educators continue to be made scapegoats for everything under the sun), and sheer exhaustion. Meanwhile, my district is plowing ahead as if nothing was wrong. I don’t know how to get out of this funk, and I used to be a pretty happy, grateful person. How are we still in the same situation, and how can I get myself out of this headspace?
A: First, know that you’re far from alone. I got several similar questions this week from other educators. Individual teachers may have varying personal and professional circumstances, and they may think about risk differently, but I don’t know any educators who aren’t weary of the pandemic and the unrelenting uncertainty. I agree that it’s hard to feel like you’re stuck (or moving backwards), and it’s hard to manage your own emotions while feeling disappointed for your children. That’s real. I also think there are things you can do to ease your distress, including a few strategies related to your own excellent insights.
You mention that you’re a happy, grateful person, and I want to underscore that you’re still that same person, even if you’re sad that everything around you remains unsettled. It may seem counterintuitive to say this, but it’s possible to be happy, grateful, fearful, disappointed, and weary all at the same time. In fact, it’s protective to experience a diversity of emotions. While the lows can be low, the emotional dips can make you appreciate the joyful moments more. Try to notice and celebrate the small wins, whether that’s reconnecting with a colleague you like but haven’t seen since before the break, or listening to your child excitedly relay a story about something they did at school.
To be clear, I’m not minimizing the impact of staffing shortages and other resource constraints or the potential dangers of COVID. The exhaustion, fear, and disappointment you feel are real and hard-earned. But as you pointed out, while it feels like we’re stuck in a time loop, we aren’t in the exact same place. We’ve learned a lot from the past two years — not only about COVID, but about ourselves and what our students need. And one key lesson we’ve learned is that everyone needs support, especially those of us who are raising and/or working with children. There is no magic wand that will fix everything, but you can practice and solicit “active compassion.” In other words, seek and offer support to others in your orbit in both formal and informal ways.
I recently connected with psychologist Suniya Luthar, professor emeritus at Teachers College, Columbia University, and the founder and executive director of the nonprofit organization Authentic Connections Groups, which offers online group-support sessions for people experiencing intense stress. She noted that no one should be telling teachers to “do mindfulness” or “put on their own oxygen mask first.” Teachers who are struggling need someone else to put their oxygen mask on for them. To that end, identify one or two people in your life who make you feel psychologically safe, such as an old friend or trusted colleague, and make a commitment to check in with one another on a weekly basis. Luthar emphasizes that these conversations should be substantive rather than superficial. She also recommends formal, structured support groups based in scientific evidence, such as the sessions her organization runs for educators. Many mental health care professionals are now offering these types of groups as well, sometimes with sliding-scale fee structures, so you might be able to find one that meets in person.
If you’re reluctant to invest in yourself, keep in mind that the resilience literature shows that a child’s wellness is tied to that of their caregiver, so seeking support is also for their benefit. Your kids also will have an easier time coping with disappointment, such as a canceled basketball season, if you’re able to relay a sense of hopefulness, which is yet another reason to find others with whom you can process pandemic difficulties and normalize complicated emotions.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
