Q: I know that principals often find themselves in a tough spot when it comes to coverage. Maybe someone unexpectedly calls in ill or goes home sick, or there are no available subs, or there’s a shortage of proctors during standardized testing week. I get that these things happen and are hugely stressful, so I try to be accommodating and fill in gaps when possible. I know my principal appreciates that he can always count on me, though the secretary told me she thinks he takes advantage of my good nature. Maybe it’s the fact that I think she’s right, or maybe it’s the end of the year and I’m tired, or maybe it’s both — but I’m pretty resentful about getting asked (for the umpteenth time) to give up my planning time. I’m generally not comfortable saying no, but that’s no longer working for me. I need a crash course in setting better boundaries, particularly since my principal always finds ways, whether through flattery, guilt-tripping, or flat-out pressure, to convince me to sub. And often catches me off guard! How can I be more assertive without alienating my principal? I like being in his good graces and still want to be perceived as helpful!
A: You can be helpful and set healthy boundaries. They’re not mutually exclusive. But first, you have to determine where you want to draw the line. Since you tend to get blindsided by requests, you could try assessing your schedule at the beginning of the week and determine in advance when you’re willing to pitch in. You also could decide how much coverage you’re willing to do in total. Saying “yes” is easy, but saying “no” is hard, so pre-arm yourself with set phrases. For instance, you could thank your principal and say, “I’m unable to do that because I have another commitment (or task to complete).” If you still want to be helpful and have the bandwidth, you could offer to help him find someone else to cover the class. Or, if you know you’ll have more free time later in the week, you could say something like, “If there’s a need, I’d be happy to help after Wednesday when my schedule lightens up.”
Saying “yes” is easy, but saying “no” is hard.
You also can try to identify someone in your building who sets boundaries assertively but respectfully and then study their style. Ask them to role play with you and offer constructive feedback, too. The best way to build your comfort is to practice phrases in advance. Ask them to throw you curveballs, such as piling on the praise or guilt-tripping or pressuring you. With flattery, for instance, you might say, “Thank you for your kind words. I would love to help, but my plate is full.” If you’re made to feel guilty, you could say, “I understand that we all need to do our part and you’re in a tough spot, but…[fill in your limitation].” Beyond these one-off conversations, you could crowd-source with colleagues and try to come up with a more lasting and equitable coverage solution.
It can be challenging to say no, especially when you’re interacting with someone who holds a position of authority, but you’re unlikely to damage your relationship with your principal if you validate that they’re in a difficult spot, stay calm, are honest about your constraints, offer alternative ways to help them when feasible, and decline their requests respectfully.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
