Career Confidential is on vacation for the summer. This column originally ran in March 2021.

Q: I feel like someone sent a memo to parents this year saying that teachers won’t follow through unless you copy the principal. Maybe it’s a pandemic thing, or a virtual teaching thing, or maybe there’s less trust these days? Whatever it is, it’s driving me nuts. I’m responsive when parents email me. No, they don’t always get what they want, meaning I don’t change grades, and I don’t always grant extensions. But I’m fair and reasonable and reply within 24 hours, per county regulations. There is absolutely no reason to copy the principal on emails saying things like, “Can we please schedule a time to talk? I’m concerned about my child’s grades in your class.” Sometimes copying the principal makes slightly more sense — if, for instance, they want me to force the other students in my class to turn their cameras on, which isn’t our policy. But then why not just start with him instead of flooding my inbox with complaints? What do they want me to do? No matter what they say, copying the principal changes the way I interpret their email and negatively impacts how I feel about them. I feel like they’re trying to catch me making a mistake, or insinuating that I’m not reliable, or poking the principal to supervise me more closely. I wonder what he must think of me, too! It’s embarrassing and upsetting. How should I handle this, if at all? P.S. Why don’t these parents copy the principal when they’re pleased with me? That’s behavior I’d welcome!

A: The fact that this only started to happen during the pandemic, and while you’ve been teaching virtually, is significant. It could be a response to heightened stress, less trust, fewer in-person interactions, more anxiety about their kids’ well-being, and perhaps also more concern about their ability to supervise their children’s distance learning. In other words, this probably isn’t personal at all, though I can appreciate why it feels that way. I also can appreciate why you’d be concerned about your principal’s reaction. So what now?

You have a few options, including addressing it with the principal, since that’s the primary source of your distress. You feel you’re reliable and fair, but you worry that these emails might raise questions in his mind. If you share that concern with him, he’ll likely validate that copying him on these requests is ridiculous. He might even reassure you that they barely register in his mind. And if they’re writing about county policies, he might suggest a set response or let you know that he’ll jump in with an answer.

Another option is to be direct with the parents, either in email or over the phone. You might say, “I noticed you’ve been copying the principal on emails to me lately, and I want to make sure you feel I’m being responsive.” To ensure you strike the right tone, however, you might want to run the language by your principal. And keep in mind that talking on the phone is often a better way to settle misunderstandings.

A third option is to try to ignore it, while continuing to be responsive and reasonable. This might be easier to do if your initial conversation with the principal goes well. I’ve been half-joking for a while now that everyone has their typical personality and an alternate “pandemic personality.” During times of stress, everyone’s sensitivity is heightened, and it can be harder to assume positive intent. That goes both ways. It’s entirely possible that parents are copying the principal for reasons that have more to do with their own anxiety than your performance — in which case, this is likely to be only a temporary annoyance.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Phyllis L. Fagell

Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.