Q: I’m an assistant principal and always had a strong relationship with my principal, but ever since she hired a new staff development teacher (SDT), I’ve felt insignificant. I joke that the new SDT came in and pushed me off my pedestal, but it’s not funny at all, and it’s more complicated than that. This person is a decade younger and a person of color, and as a white person I feel like I’m seen as a relic of another time, irrelevant and replaceable, even though I know I have sound judgment and years of experience and am good at what I do. But this principal used to come to me for sensitive advice on everything imaginable, whether it involved handling racist graffiti, parents who demanded additional special education supports, nasty conflicts among teachers, or the dress code. I didn’t realize how much being her confidante mattered to me until she started meeting with the new SDT instead of me.
It’s not just the principal’s advice-seeking behavior that’s changed, though. Whenever I have an idea, she rejects it out of hand if it’s different from what the new SDT thinks we should do. I love my school and have been here for 16 years, and I like most of my colleagues, but now I’m persona non grata and wonder if I should leave. As an aside, I wouldn’t be thinking about leaving at all if this hadn’t happened. And if I’m being totally honest, I would rather the new teacher quit or lost the principal’s trust, as awful as that makes me sound. But I don’t think that’s going to happen, and I’m consumed with anger. I’m tempted to give the principal a piece of my mind, then quit without giving notice. I fantasize about that literally every day. I’ve truly given my soul to this place. I know I shouldn’t do anything rash, so I’ll hold off on doing anything long enough to hear what you have to say.
A: Your instinct to pause is a good one. Don’t do anything when you’re blinded by hurt, fear, and anger. While leaving in a plume of smoke might give you short-term satisfaction, you’re likely to regret an explosive exit down the road. You say you love your school and that you have longstanding relationships with colleagues. You also take pride in the work you’ve done. If you burn the bridge on your way out, you won’t easily be able to cross back over to visit with the colleagues whose relationships you value. Plus, while you say you might want to leave, you don’t mention where you want to go. Assuming you need to work for a living, you might want to think beyond the instant when you drive off into the sunset.
Acting rashly might not give you the satisfaction you envision anyway. To make a thoughtful decision, give yourself some emotional distance, whether you take time off, pretend you’re advising a friend in the same situation, imagine you’re peering down at the problem from a hot-air balloon 30,000 feet in the sky, or picture how you might feel 10 years from now. When you approach the problem from different angles, does it look the same? Can you see how different actions would change the outcome? Can you see any other possible solutions? If the problem feels insignificant years down the road, will you wish you had handled it differently?
The organizational psychologist Adam Grant recently shared a graphic on Twitter, by someone named Liz, with the title, “A Really Hard Thing.” In the first frame, a person holds a big, weighty ball that’s many times their size, and the caption reads, “How it feels right now.” In the second frame, a person holds a much lighter version of the same ball, and the caption reads, “How it will feel a few months from now.” And in the third frame, the person isn’t encumbered by a ball at all, and the caption reads, “How it will feel in a few years.” While I understand the impulse to resolve this problem immediately and alleviate your emotional discomfort, I think lashing out is more likely to exacerbate your distress.
Instead, consider making a decision that will feel right to “future you.” That person is probably going to feel less sensitive and more reflective than the “you” who wrote this letter. It’s not easy to take the long view and practice restraint, so do something with your excess negative energy and channel your emotions in productive ways. That might mean you have an honest heart-to-heart with your principal, see a therapist to talk through feelings of rejection, accept that your principal is interested in fresh perspectives, and willingly take a step back, apply for other positions, spend time mentoring less-experienced colleagues, or volunteer in ways that contribute meaningfully to the greater community.
The one thing you can’t do is “make” your principal trust you or seek your advice. She has every right to consult another staff member, just as you have every right to feel disappointed or to bristle at her decision to pull away. For now, take a deep breath and consider your long-term goals. What legacy do you want to leave at this school? What do you need to do to preserve the relationships you value and hope to sustain? Last, considered the possibility that you might have outgrown this job — that you’re ready for a new challenge and it’s time to move on, regardless of the principal’s shifting loyalties. Once you have a better sense of current and future goals, act accordingly, recognizing that you’ll have fewer regrets if you handle this situation calmly and gracefully.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
