Q: I told my principal to f**k off at a meeting. Yeah, it was a bad idea. The principal had brought up an issue related to parent complaints over grading practices, and while he didn’t mention me by name, I knew he was talking about me. My colleagues knew, too, as he had just gotten a parent complaint about me a day earlier.

It’s true that I don’t always follow established grading protocols, but that’s based on principle. The protocols don‘t serve students. Expectations are artificially low. I get that I was out of line to break the rules, and I definitely shouldn’t cuss at my principal, but his passive-aggressive comment triggered me. I can be a little hot-headed at times, but he already had spoken to me that morning, so there was no need to bring it up again in front of everyone. He embarrassed me and angered me.

Anyway, after I told him to f**k off, he stared at me like I had three heads, then changed the topic. I’m sure he was incredibly angry, and I’m waiting to be written up but haven’t heard anything yet. I like my school and my job, and I’m wondering if there’s any way to come back from this. Where do I go from here? 

A: I can appreciate that you felt angry and embarrassed, and I’m glad you recognize that being upset doesn’t give you license to curse at your principal — and it probably isn’t the best career move, either! Plus, I imagine that losing control only made you feel worse.

You won’t know how to make it right if you don’t ask.

I think it might be helpful to review the sequence of events leading up to the outburst. First, you disliked a policy, so you disregarded it. A parent then complained to your principal, who called you out for violating the policy. His next move was to remind everyone else to follow the established rules. I think your emotions hijacked your judgment in part because you made a lot of assumptions. You assumed your principal was being passive-aggressive and singling you out, and you assumed that everyone knew about the parent complaint. You also assumed your principal was too angry to engage with you. But is it possible that others were flouting the rules, too, and he concluded that everyone could use a gentle reminder? As for his reaction, is it possible he was too caught off-guard to speak in the moment, or that he felt embarrassed because you cursed at him in front of other staff members? Or maybe he was all of the above — angry, embarrassed and caught off guard. You’re not a mind-reader, and your assumptions could be making you more reactive.

You now have two challenges. The first relates to self-regulating and controlling negative emotions, challenging your own assumptions, and learning to manage stress, as this won’t be the last time someone says or does something that triggers you. The second challenge relates to making amends with your principal and moving forward. These two challenges are inter-related. If you want to make amends, you need to resist the urge to make assumptions about your principal’s feelings or needs. Beyond an apology, for instance, he might need reassurance that you know the rules apply to you. He might need to know that you plan to work on your reactivity or that you intend to apologize to everyone else at the meeting, too. You won’t know how to make it right if you don’t ask. Keep in mind that there are some things you can’t control, such as whether your principal chooses to forgive you — or even meet with you. You also can’t control whether he decides to write you up.  But you can control some things, including whether you own the mistake and work on yourself, perhaps with the help of a mental health professional.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Phyllis L. Fagell

Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.