Q: Look, I know I’m not going to love all my students. But this year, I’m having a really hard time even liking some of them, and it’s getting in the way of my teaching. I worry that my contempt for them is oozing out my pores. And I’m not talking about kids who are super-disruptive, but the one who’s constantly complaining, “I can’t write a sentence, it’s sooooo hard,” or the one who has to question everything I say (“That’s not how they do it in Mr. B.’s class,” or “But why not?” or “My mom thinks it’s stupid that you make us [fill in the blank]”), or the ones who just walk out of class or ignore my cues to pay attention, as if I’m invisible. Some of these kids are entitled and dominate class time; some are just plain rude and call out and interrupt their peers; some get up, take off their shoes, and walk around barefoot like it’s their bedroom; and some are mean to classmates, with seemingly no guilt whatsoever. And there is no accountability for their behavior, given that we’re understaffed and the administration doesn’t have time to respond to minor infractions.
I try to be understanding. I tell myself they’ve been home so long they’ve forgotten how to be good, respectful classroom citizens, or maybe they’re struggling with attention issues or impulsivity. I’m not heartless, and I’m not ignorant of all the challenges they’ve experienced. But I’m a person, too, and these behaviors add up. Some afternoons, I cry in my car for a full half hour before I turn the key in the ignition. Every one of these things is pushing my buttons. I’ve been turning kids out of my classroom left and right to “take a break,” and the break is more for me than for them. I’m willing to own that it’s easy to get my goat right now. I’m exhausted, cranky, and have no time to plan anything. Plus, there’s so much testing this month — WIDA and MCAP and MISA and probably other acronyms I’m forgetting. I know it’s not entirely the kids’ fault, but it’s only October. How am I going to make it to December, let alone June? And what can I do to ensure I’m a good teacher to all these students I dislike?
A: You don’t have to love your students to teach them, but it certainly helps, and it would help you enjoy your job more. Your self-awareness is a huge asset, and I believe you can turn this around. Let’s try flipping the situation. Let’s say a child tells me, a school counselor, that they hate a teacher with whom they have an antagonistic relationship. I will listen and empathize and reassure them that their feelings are valid, and then I will explain the difference between feelings and behaviors. They can detest their teacher all they want, but they can’t curse at them or skip their class, for instance. Feelings may be involuntary, but we can control our actions. The same is true for you. You can dislike a student without treating them with contempt.
In your case, I would first reach out to the school counselor (if you have one) and name the elephant in the room. Tell them you’re struggling to like a particular student or students and it’s getting in your way. The counselor may also be hearing this from others, and they may be able to give you contextual information. Perhaps the child is getting treated for an anxiety disorder and their inability to pay attention has nothing to do with disrespecting you. Maybe their parents aren’t attentive to them because they’re in the middle of a nasty divorce, and your student is needy and vying for your attention, even if they’re not showing it in prosocial ways. For a needy child who tests you, by the way, turning them out of the room could be the least constructive solution. That student would benefit more from a calm invitation to sit next to you. Or maybe they can’t sleep at one parent’s home because it’s next to a hospital and sirens blare all night and keep them up, so they’re irritable and lack focus at school. Any number of things could be going on. The counselor also could observe your class and work on self-regulation strategies with the child while also building the child’s empathy for you. If you don’t have a counselor at your school, ask an administrator or willing colleague to observe your class and give you feedback, or consult with the student’s other teachers for ideas. You won’t magically start liking these kids right away, but you might begin to feel more empathy, which could boost your patience and motivation to change the dynamic.
The more you dislike a kid, the more important it is to connect with them one-on-one. I know your time is nonexistent these days, but even a weekly five-minute check-in could reduce some of the behaviors you’re seeing and ultimately save you time and aggravation. You also could collaborate with students on a signal they can use when they’re struggling and need to take a break, so you don’t have to repeatedly call them out in front of their peers.
It also might be helpful to consider the concept of unconditional positive regard, which all kids need right now. Unconditional positive regard doesn’t mean you accept someone’s poor behavior; it means you see them as inherently human when they make mistakes, recognize that they’re doing the best they can (even if it doesn’t always seem that way), and never withhold your warmth or affection.
Your burnout and exhaustion are real, so recognize that you can’t be your best, most patient self if you’re running on empty. Take a mental health day if you can and consider talking to a mental health professional, whether you find a therapist on your own or go through your district’s employee assistance program. Lean on your colleagues for support, too, and do the same for them. And practice self-compassion. Your reserves are down — way down — but just like your students, you’re human and doing the best you can. You’re going to be less patient on some days than others. When you find yourself snapping at kids, own it and keep it real. Let them know when you’re having a tough time and need to take a break sometimes, too. You can even incorporate stress reduction strategies into the daily routine. In fact, ask your students for suggestions, and normalize that returning to a five-day, in-person week is hard for everyone, and there will be messiness. You won’t extinguish students’ negative behaviors overnight. They’ve experienced trauma, and so have you. But you can work to interrupt the negative feedback loop by reframing and depersonalizing their behavior, collaborating with the kids themselves, and seeking help from others.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
