Q: I know you can’t please everyone, but I’m struggling with an angry teacher who is getting under my skin. From what other teachers have told me (since she barely acknowledges me), she thinks I dismiss her students’ needs but respond more favorably to every other teacher who makes a request.

Recently, I wouldn’t let her attend one of her student’s younger sibling’s IEP meetings at a feeder elementary school. The sibling’s parents had made this “special request,” and I told the teacher I can fully appreciate why these parents might feel more comfortable having her there. But, as I also pointed out, she may never even teach the younger sibling and allowing this would set an unsustainable precedent! Plus, we always send a counselor to our feeder schools for these kinds of transitional IEP meetings. Not to mention, we’re short on subs to cover teachers for these kinds of meetings, and we can’t give special treatment to some families but not others. The teacher didn’t want to hear any of the reasons.

That was two weeks ago, and she’s been a cold block of ice ever since. If I pass her in the hall or the parking lot and dare to say hello, she glares at me and walks away like I killed her puppy. What is the best way to put an end to her immature silent treatment? Should I bother trying to appease her, or should I accept that sometimes there’s no winning? Can I call her out for being rude and unprofessional? Can I tell her to look elsewhere if she’s so miserable?

A: It depends on your goals. Sure, you can call her out for being rude and unprofessional and suggest she look for a new job, but what’s the desired outcome? Is she a strong teacher you’d want to retain if she were able to express dissatisfaction more constructively? Is this silent treatment a new thing, or has your relationship with her always been strained? Do you think you might be able to improve your interactions? If so, you may want to take a more measured approach.

Ideally, the teacher would spell out why she’s resentful rather than treat you like a block of ice, but something is getting in her way.

It’s possible that you’ve reached this impasse because her stated position (she wants to attend the meeting) is different from her underlying interest or need (she wants to be treated fairly). In other words, you got nowhere because you provided logical and rational reasons for denying this latest request, but you didn’t address her real concern, which is that she feels her students’ needs are routinely dismissed. Fair or not, the latest incident only seems to have heightened her sense of injustice.

Ideally, the teacher would spell out why she’s resentful rather than treat you like a block of ice, but something is getting in her way. I don’t know if she’s immature, blinded by anger, or lacks conflict-resolution skills (perhaps all three), but you may need to help her communicate in order to change the dynamic.

Can you name the elephant in the room and disclose what you’ve heard from colleagues without outing them? Do you feel you could initiate a conversation without losing your cool, getting defensive, or invalidating her concerns? If you’re willing to take the lead, listen actively, and own your two percent, she’ll be more likely to feel heard and more inclined to listen to feedback. You can then be clear that giving someone the silent treatment is unacceptable in a professional environment. You also might explain that if she needs processing time, that’s fine, but she needs to explicitly and politely tell you that.

As you give her critical feedback, remember that there’s power in praising her, too. After all, the family in this scenario wanted her to attend their younger child’s IEP meeting. That’s a real sign of trust and worthy of your acknowledgment. If you still get nowhere, you can suggest she consider other schools that might be a better fit, but at least you will have tried.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Phyllis L. Fagell

Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.