Q: I have a colleague, let’s call her Jeannie, who manages to offend everyone. She has an opinion about everything regardless of whether she’s knowledgeable about the topic. That’s bad enough with less loaded topics, but right now she’s mouthing off about Israel and Gaza to colleagues who are anything but OK. These teachers are worried about friends and family in Israel and Gaza and don’t have extra reserves to deal with this insensitive lady’s ignorant comments.
Normally, we all ignore her, but emotions are running high right now and people are taking the bait. One colleague tried to reason with her calmly, but that didn’t go well and they ended up having an explosive argument. Afterward, Jeannie asked me directly what she did “wrong.” I feel like answering her truthfully (she did a LOT wrong), but I know it would be the conversational equivalent of stepping on a landmine. I also am thoroughly over her and while I’m willing to take one for the team, I probably will end up feeling as upset as my co-workers. What do you suggest I do?
A: While this might be obvious, you don’t have to engage with Jeannie simply because she’s asking for feedback. Given her track record, I’d consider the possibility that she hopes to goad you into an argument, too. And — as with any conversation — while you can control what you say, you can’t control what she hears or what she chooses to do with the information.
While you can control what you say, you can’t control what she hears or what she chooses to do with the information.
So what should you do? First, press the pause button long enough to consider why you want to talk to her. Do you genuinely want to boost her understanding and perhaps shield colleagues you care about from her insensitivity? Or are you simply annoyed that she’s hurting others and want to give her a piece of your mind? If the goal is open, constructive dialogue, adopt a non-confrontational stance, approach her with empathy, choose a time when you can talk privately, and confirm that she is genuinely interested in your perspective. Even if she says she’s open to learning, stick to “I” statements, provide specific examples of comments that landed wrong, listen actively and ask clarifying questions rather than make assumptions. And remember, you can always end the conversation if Jeannie isn’t respectful or stops being receptive to your thoughts. The last thing you want to do is add to the tension in the building or your own aggravation.
It’s worth mentioning that while your goal may be to change Jeannie’s attitude and approach, you may be better off using your energy to support your struggling colleagues, whether you listen to them with empathy or help them weigh their options. For instance, you can remind them that they can walk away or redirect a conversation, state clearly that a particular topic is off limits, or seek help from an administrator or someone in human resources. In short, while I know your desire to address Jeannie’s behavior stems from a desire to help others and maintain a harmonious workplace, it’s important to note that none of you are obligated to have this kind of loaded conversation at work.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
