Q: I’m a teacher in a wealthy, high-pressure school district in Connecticut, and I’m already anxious about families giving me big gifts. My school district puts a cap on the amount, but parents rarely stick to it. Every year, at least a dozen of them try to give me something extravagant. I’m talking $150 certificates for spa services and $250 Visa gift cards. One time, a family offered me the use of their Vermont ski home over winter break. They didn’t need it because they’d decided to go to Aspen. Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate the generosity, and it’s not like I’m rich. I’m 28 and still paying off tons of loans. I also realize this is an odd “problem.” I have lots of teacher friends who work in high-poverty schools that lack even basic resources. They shake their heads and get annoyed when I complain about this, so I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut. Anyway, all of this is to say I appreciate the chance to send in a question anonymously.
A little background on me: I’m a rule follower. If the district says the gift limit is $30, then I don’t want anyone to give me more. My first year at my school, a student’s father handed me an envelope stuffed with $300 cash. I totally freaked out. I went straight to my principal and told him I wanted to give the money back. He looked at me funny and said no one had ever brought this up with him before. He figured my colleagues just pocketed the cash and sent a nice thank-you note. At the time, I felt like a goody two-shoes, but I still felt compelled to give the money back. That interaction was awkward, to say the least. Now the holidays are right around the corner and my opinion on this hasn’t wavered. I don’t want extravagant gifts. I wish I could send an email home explaining my preferences, but I know that would be presumptuous. It’s not like everyone wants or has to give me a gift. At the same time, I dread having to give stuff back! I’m getting anxious just writing this. How can I prevent this from happening again? And if someone does go over the top, is there a gracious way to return their gift?
A: You mention that you’re a rule follower, but I think there’s more to your discomfort. You might feel less anxiety if you’re able to articulate why this feels so loaded. For what it’s worth, you’re not alone. Your principal was bewildered by your question, but I’ve actually gotten a few letters about this. One high school teacher wrote that she worried about quid pro quo — that parents would expect a better grade or special treatment in exchange for their gift. An elementary school teacher in a middle-class suburb with pockets of wealth wrote that when a family gives her a large gift, “it makes all the other families feel uncomfortable.” That same teacher also shared that expensive gifts make her feel “like a charity case.” I doubt anyone intended to convey that message, but money can be a sensitive, hot-button issue.
You’re right that it would be presumptuous for you to write parents to share your preferences, but your principal can email the community and remind them of the policy. He also can explain why it exists. Speaking of the policy, review it yourself. It’s possible the gift limit is merely a guideline, and that you’re not compelled to return gifts. Or you might discover that you can’t accept gifts over a certain amount, but you’re allowed to donate them to a charity of your choice. That would be less awkward than returning them. If you know you’ll want to return an extravagant gift regardless of the rules, start coming up with a set explanation now. Keep it simple. You might say, “Thank you. This is lovely and generous, but I’m not allowed to accept gifts that exceed the $30 limit. I hope you’ll understand.” The less you ramble, the less awkward you’ll feel.
For more Career Confidential: http://bit.ly/2C1WQmw
Have a question that you’d like Career Confidential to answer? Email contactphyllisfagell@gmail.com. All names and schools will remain confidential. No identifying information will be included in the published questions and answers.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
