Q: I’m an assistant principal who supervises a couple of teachers who can’t stand one another. In good times, I often end up feeling like a referee, but I usually can broker peace with relative ease. Here’s the problem. Distance learning has made everything harder, including managing difficult people. This particular duo seems to be out for blood. They want me to help them, but they’re trying my patience. I don’t have the bandwidth. My energy is lagging even on a good day spent with pleasant people. I really can’t take it when they snap at each other in virtual all-staff meetings, dragging the meeting down for everyone. I can feel the mood in the “room” change as soon as one of them starts to speak. We all know that nothing that follows is going to be positive. And before you tell me to mute them, I do. They unmute themselves, then attempt to lure reluctant staff members into their mess of the day. These disagreements, by the way, seem to be pointless. Most of the time, their opposing points of view can be boiled down to “I don’t like you,” and “I don’t like you, either.” Before I lose my mind or my temper, any advice for putting an end to this, or at least brokering a temporary truce until we’re physically back together?
A: Many people are feeling foggier, more fatigued, less patient, and more stressed and on edge during the pandemic. There also are many who feel that videoconferencing itself is more depleting, whether that’s because we have to work harder to read visual and nonvisual cues, or because we can’t help monitoring our own facial expressions and appearance, or because it’s tough to take a break, change our surroundings, or even stretch. As educators try to adjust to new rules of social engagement, most are proceeding cautiously.
And then there are those individuals who get a rush from conflict in ordinary times, and who might be craving attention even more right now. They’d rather have negative feedback than no feedback. They’re insecure and looking for validation, and they won’t hesitate to throw a grenade into a conversation — or in this case, into an all-staff meeting. That makes this an especially good time to revisit your approach with these two teachers.
First, be honest. Tell them that you’re no longer going to be able to mediate all of their arguments. Explain that while you can appreciate their heightened sensitivity during this time of social distancing, videoconferencing is lowering everyone’s reserves. Be clear that faculty meetings are an especially inappropriate time to air personal issues, and that they need to make a good-faith attempt to resolve problems on their own before involving you. Assure them that you believe they have the capacity to pull this off. Have them consider a number of questions before approaching you, such as, “Does this problem require a solution, or can we agree to disagree?” “On a scale of one to ten, how much does this matter to me?” “Have we tried to solve this on our own before asking for help?” “If we were unable to solve this on our own, can we at least articulate in writing why we’re so upset?”
If they pull you into a meaningless battle despite your best efforts, aim to be an unsatisfying mediator. Don’t pick sides and try to cease engaging as quickly as possible. Conversely, if they’re able to solve an issue on their own (or somehow miraculously agree to let it go), then pile on the praise. Finally, you may be able to inhibit their attention-seeking behavior if you’re able to identify organic opportunities for more positive interactions. As a bonus, if you can change this dynamic now, your job will be less taxing when school reopens.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
