Q: I don’t know where to turn for help. My issue started at the beginning of the 2018-2019 school year when my principal, “Mark,” chose me over a colleague, “Lydia,” to take on an internal leadership role in our school. Lydia got really mad because she’s taught at the school much longer than I have, and she’s good friends with Mark. She felt like it was a slap in the face and has been making my life a living hell ever since. She says terrible things to my face and trash-talks me to everyone. She’s a strong personality, has a group of followers who are not the nicest people, and she keeps trying to get me in trouble. She even lied to HR, saying I falsified my time sheet and stole copy paper, of all things. She doesn’t supervise me and has never gotten anywhere with her baseless lies, so I just try to stay out of her way. I’m calm and disengage quickly when our paths cross. But two days ago, out of the blue, Mark took away my leadership role and gave it to Lydia. That role, by the way, comes with a decent stipend. He wouldn’t tell me why he reversed his decision. I’m certain there was no basis for the demotion and was left with more questions than answers. I know for a fact that he’s been impressed with my work.
I didn’t have to wonder about the “why” for long. A few days later, Mark’s secretary, “Anna,” pulled me aside and asked to talk to me in confidence. She asked me if I knew that there was a rumor about me. I did not. She said, “Everyone is saying that you and Mark have been having an affair, and that’s why he gave you the promotion.” I panicked. I couldn’t even catch my breath, but finally was able to ask, “WHO exactly is saying that?” Anna said Lydia was involved but wouldn’t say how. She added that Mark had been aware of the rumor for months. He’d been talking about it with his leadership team and with Lydia, of course, strategizing how to distance himself from me. My demotion was his solution.
After I spoke to Anna, I grabbed my jacket. I knew I couldn’t stay at work. I was so uncomfortable. Case in point: On my way out, I passed a colleague. I asked him if he had heard any rumors about me. He chuckled and said, “You mean that you’re the office slut?” I froze. “Wait, you didn’t know?” he asked, then said, “I figured you were taking it in stride.” That’s when I burst into tears and fled. Talk about humiliation. That was three days ago, and I haven’t been back to work since. It was hard enough to deal with Lydia, but this is too much for me. I didn’t have an affair, try to have an affair, or want an affair, so why do I feel so ashamed? I keep wondering what exactly was said about me, and who said it, and what all those people are saying about me now. I want to set the record straight but don’t know where to start.
What should I do now? I worry that if I defend myself, people will gossip about me even more. But I need to work, and this is my career we’re talking about. Please help!
A: Let’s start with your emotional well-being. You experienced a trauma and need therapy and support from friends. If you stay holed away at home ruminating, you could develop depression or post-traumatic stress disorder. If you work in a large district, you likely have access to counseling through your employer. The immediate goal should be to get back to work as quickly as possible because avoidance feeds anxiety. It might help to have a trusted colleague meet you for coffee first and then walk you in. You might even consider reaching out to your principal’s secretary. Anna was uncomfortable with your treatment and exhibited integrity, and her presence might help you feel brave.
Tap your many strengths, too. Here’s what I know about you from your question. You applied for a promotion, which takes courage. You beat out strong competition because you’re determined and good at your job. You’re able to keep your cool when you’re insulted, and you don’t resort to retaliation when you’re wronged. Your strong character will matter far more in the long run than this temporary hit to your reputation. One note of caution: Resist the urge to chase down everything your colleagues are saying about you. You won’t change their opinion of you, and it’s a distraction. Use your energy to get yourself back in working order.
Think about your ideal outcome. Do you want to get the leadership position back? Switch schools within your district? Look for a new job somewhere else? The more you exercise agency, the less victimized you’ll feel. So review your employee handbook and consider your options. Your principal might have violated policy when he demoted you without cause from a job that carries a stipend. If so, you could meet with him and make your case. (You also might want to point out to him that distancing himself from you only makes him seem more guilty.) Alternatively, your teacher’s union might be able to get you a different mid-year placement, or your district might have a compliance specialist who could run interference. Further, depending on your district’s policy, you may have the option to file a workplace bullying complaint against Lydia. If any of these seem like avenues you’d like to pursue, consult an attorney.
You mentioned that you fear you’ll fan the flames on the gossip if you speak up for yourself, but you might minimize the chances of that happening if you let your principal know that his subordinates’ sexist comments and inappropriate assumptions may have created a hostile work environment based on sex, and that his failure to put an end to the innuendo may have exposed him to liability. While I’m not a lawyer and can’t give you legal advice, you may wish to discuss with counsel an important federal appellate ruling. In Parker v. Reema Consulting Services, Inc., the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Fourth Circuit found that when a supervisor is aware of a rumor of a sexual nature and perpetuates it, that supervisor may have engaged in unlawful sex-based workplace harassment. The court noted that these kinds of rumors “invoke a deeply rooted perception — one that unfortunately still persists — that generally women, not men, use sex to achieve success.”
In other words, it’s on your principal, not you, to shut down the gossip. Lydia’s reprehensible behavior has damaged you, but she arguably presents a bigger threat to Mark than to you. You’ve hurt no one and have no reason to feel ashamed. Assert your rights, let the squawkers squawk, draw on your strengths, learn what you can from the experience and move forward.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
