Q: I’m a middle school teacher and have noticed that one of my 6th-grade students is having a hard time socially. He’s that awkward kid we all remember from childhood, the one who’s smart enough to know the other kids find him irritating, but too clueless to see what’s getting in his way. It should be obvious, because the kids tell him when he drives them nuts. Some of the things he does that are a big problem for his peers: He picks his nose and eats his boogers (sorry for sharing that, but it’s the truth); he has to be the know-it-all, whether he’s telling kids how the book they’re reading ends or arguing with them when they say a vocabulary quiz was hard, or solving the Sudoku puzzle they’re trying to work out on their own. He’s inflexible and can throw the whole class rhythm off if he doesn’t want to do something. He’ll ask someone a question, and if they don’t answer directly, he’ll just keep pestering them until they blow up. He doesn’t pick up on the signals that they don’t want to disclose something; he just badgers them relentlessly. It’s hard to watch. He’s also hard to teach, but I can handle my own irritation. I just want to do whatever I can to get him to a better place in time for 7th grade, when I think he’s likely to encounter more exclusion and outright bullying. What can I do?
A: I’m impressed that you can set your own irritation aside to focus on helping this student interact more comfortably with classmates. I’m also impressed with the level of detail in your observations. That’s really going to be helpful here. The good news is that any assistance you give him will positively impact his behavior in class. Teachers often shy away from being direct with students about social skills deficits because it feels cruel and out-of-their-lane, but they’re often uniquely positioned to offer practical help. That said, you want to do your homework first and then make sure you have the student’s buy-in.
Start by talking to the boy’s school counselor. It’s possible his parents have pursued psychological testing or consulted with a developmental pediatrician or connected with the counselor about general social concerns. There may be some useful information in his elementary school files as well that the counselor could share with you. I’d be surprised if he wasn’t on the counselor’s radar at all, but if he’s not, he should be. He might benefit from participating in a social skills group outside of school, for instance, or from targeted social skills work with the counselor. Meet with the counselor and talk about how you can work together and also bring his parents into the conversation.
Based on how attuned you are to this boy’s interactions, I’m going to assume you have a good relationship with him. My guess is that he can tell you have his back, too. Continue to bolster that trust by meeting with him for lunch or simply initiating conversation in the hallways. Once you feel that trust is established, you can tell him you’ve noticed that he seems to be struggling. From your description, it sounds like he won’t dispute that point. He knows he doesn’t fit in; he just doesn’t see where things are going wrong. Ask for permission to help. If he wants support, be as concrete and specific as possible. For example, don’t say he’s annoying the other kids; tell him that they’re turned off when he picks his nose. Come up with a signal. Would it be okay if you subtly tap his shoulder when you notice him picking his nose to remind him to stop? Use non-offensive phrases such as “I’ve noticed,” “I’ve wondered” and “I’ve observed,” stay nonreactive, and ask him questions. “What does he think is getting in his way? How does he think you could best help him?” Spend 80% of every conversation with him focused on his strengths. Since he’s giving unwanted Sudoku answers, for instance, you could point out that you admire how quickly he can see a solution. But then explain why others feel frustrated when he gives them the answer instead of letting them figure it out on their own time. Or maybe you’ve noticed that he’s super accepting of other kids’ idiosyncrasies. Explain that this is a real strength but might make it harder for him to spot when his own idiosyncrasies are annoying his peers. Only work on one new strategy at a time. If you lay everything out at once, he’ll be overwhelmed and feel defeated. Give him a ton of positive feedback whenever you see him implementing any positive changes.
As he’s working on these skills, do whatever you can to set him up for success. Coordinate with other teachers so you’re all reinforcing the same behaviors the same way. Pair him with partners who are kind and patient, but don’t over-burden any one student if he’s a lot to manage. Talk positively about him and shut down any eye-rolling or rude comments from his classmates. You won’t fix everything for him by the end of sixth grade, but you will help him move in the right direction. He also will feel supported. It’s a big deal when your teacher not only sees that you’re struggling, but also sees your strengths and wants to help you.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
