Q: Like many teachers, I’ve been rethinking my priorities. For some people, that has meant dialing it back at work and spending more time at home, but I’ve had a different reaction. Everything going on in the world has made me want to step on the gas. I feel like I have one last “career chapter,” and I want to use it to make a difference, at least in the lives of my own students and their families. In the past, I’ve had pretty good work-life balance, maybe “too” good. I think I was a little selfish with my time. Now I feel like I know more and have more to give. I joined a few planning committees at school, started sharing my ideas more regularly in staff meetings, created a homework club for struggling students, and began writing a weekly newsletter and sharing resources more frequently with my students’ parents.
All of this seems to have rubbed my department chair the wrong way. Several colleagues have told me that she’s been telling people that I’m having “some kind of bizarre nervous breakdown,” and that I “just want attention.” I went to her nicely and calmly asked her if (and why) she’s been saying these things about me. She didn’t deny any of it. On the contrary, she told me that she doesn’t understand why “all of a sudden” I have to be “in the middle of everything” and that I must be having a “midlife crisis.” Then she added, “I think something is really wrong with you.” I’m a middle-aged woman; that part is factual. The rest of what she said, however, is just plain mean and untrue, but now I feel self-conscious about speaking up at meetings or doing anything else that might make me look like an attention-seeker. How can I change her opinion of me while still making a difference at work? Do you think there’s something wrong with me?
A: The short answer is that you can’t change your department chair’s opinion of you. You have zero power to change anyone else’s opinion, and you can’t control what someone says behind your back, either. I know that’s frustrating. But many things are in your control, including how you frame your supervisor’s comments and behavior, the weight you give to her opinions, the boundaries you set, the way you react to her (and talk to yourself), how much time and energy you choose to expend on addressing the situation, and whether you keep sharing your thoughts and doing your thing at work. You even have the power to decide that this is more of a nuisance than a problem. And of course, you also get to decide if you want to stay at your school or look for a new job.
No one likes feeling judged, especially by someone who holds authority over you.
Let’s start, however, by considering your department chair’s words and actions. No one likes feeling judged, especially by someone who holds authority over you, but consider her behavior. For one, she’s undermining you rather than helping you define and reach your goals. She’s told you (and plenty of others) that she thinks something is “really wrong” with you, yet instead of asking you if you need support — and perhaps steering you to an employee assistance program — she doubled down and accused you of having a “midlife crisis.” If she really cared about you, she would have expressed her concerns to you directly and avoided using loaded or offensive terminology.
Few would blame you if you concluded that this person isn’t a credible critic and adjusted your self-talk accordingly. For instance, rather than internalize her belief that you’re the problem, you might conclude: “This person isn’t very nice, and their criticism doesn’t accurately reflect me or my motivations.” That doesn’t mean you don’t feel hurt or upset, but the reframe might help you focus on possible next steps rather than beating yourself up.
As I noted, you have several options. For instance, you could ignore the gossip and your department chair’s criticism and keep doing what you’re doing, you could ask her to approach you individually with concerns in the future, you could ask another administrator to act as a mediator, or you could look for a new job. For what it’s worth, to this outsider it sounds like you (and your students) will be far better off if you spend more time living out your values and less time trying to placate this supervisor.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
