Q: Well, it’s a new school year. I’m not new myself, but I found myself feeling jealous of the new staff in my school during preservice because they got to attend a new teacher lunch together with the principal. So now these newbie teachers are all pals. I have never been good at making friends, and it’s even harder for me in work situations, even after a few years in the same school. I wish I had a ready-made group of people to be “new” with and to talk to in the copy room or eat lunch with. Instead, work is kind of a lonely place for me. No one seeks me out, and while no one is mean, I’m not comfortable imposing my awkward self on anyone else.
Can you remind principals that even long-time staff sometimes need help fitting in? I don’t want another year of feeling awkward and lonely. I wish there were lunch groups and clubs for teachers the way there are for lonely students! I guess I’m looking for you to tell administrators how they might help someone like me, as the reality is that I’m unlikely to do much to help myself.
A: Your question is poignant — the desire to fit in and feel a sense of belonging is so human, whether you’re a child or an adult, a brand-new teacher or an experienced educator. And while you’ve asked me to suggest ways that administrators could help someone in your situation, I first want to empower you to continue to help yourself. I say “continue” because you’ve already taken some action steps. For starters, you’re self-aware enough to label your feelings and name the problem. That’s half the battle. You can’t solve a problem if you don’t know what it is.
Your self-consciousness about your own shaky social skills may be preventing you from noticing that some colleagues feel similarly lonely and awkward at work.
The good news is that you’re also the solution. What do I mean? Let’s say your principal gives you a variety of opportunities to interact with colleagues. Maybe they invite you to a regular group lunch or ask you to be part of a book club, or they urge you to join a sunshine committee that celebrates and fosters a sense of belonging for other adults in the school community. That’s all great, but unless you actually engage with colleagues in these kinds of structured situations, you will continue to feel lonely.
For what it’s worth, I suspect you’re not the only one who feels this way. Your self-consciousness about your own shaky social skills may be preventing you from noticing that some colleagues feel similarly lonely and awkward at work. So here’s my challenge for you this school year. Make a point of identifying at least one awkward colleague whom you believe could use an assist. Resolve to initiate a conversation with them, even if you simply ask them one question. Set other small social goals for yourself, too. Maybe you make a point of checking in with one of those new teachers to ask them if they have any questions or need support. Or perhaps you challenge yourself to make eye contact and say hello to three different colleagues each week when you cross paths in the hallway or the parking lot. The only way to build social skills is through practice. Hold yourself accountable, too. Write down your social goals somewhere you will see them daily. At the end of the week, note any successes, no matter how tiny. Maybe you didn’t greet anyone, for instance, but you did make eye contact with one teacher in the copy room. Celebrate that win!
Progress is progress, no matter how slow, and connecting with others takes time and effort. That tends to be true for everyone, whether or not they’re socially awkward.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
