Q: My girlfriend is a secondary public school teacher, and we have a 7-year-old daughter. My question is this: Is it considered unethical for a teacher to have a child out of wedlock, and can she be suspended or terminated for this? I’ve heard that teachers are supposed to be role models for their students, and I’m worried that the school district will accuse her of setting a bad example. We’re thinking about marrying soon, before things go sour. What do you advise?
A: The short answer is that public schools get federal funding, and penalizing your girlfriend for having a child out of wedlock would be discriminatory. If her employer suspends or terminates her on the grounds of ethical misconduct, she could file a lawsuit with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC). Her colleagues can’t harass her, and her supervisors can’t discriminate against her because she’s an unmarried mother.
Most public schools do have codes of conduct, but they ‘re designed to prevent teachers from doing things like embezzling, breaching confidentiality, drinking on the job, protecting child predators, concealing criminal arrests, or having relationships with subordinates. They have nothing to do with teachers’ marital status.
Your second concern relates to ethics and whether unmarried mothers can be role models for students. If they can’t, then we’re putting forth a very limited definition of role model. Families come in all shapes and sizes. Some kids are raised by a married mother and father. Some are raised by a single dad, or two dads, or two moms, or a single mom. Some are raised by grandparents or foster parents or in group homes. Students benefit when they see themselves reflected in their teachers, so let’s think more expansively about what constitutes a role model. Whether a teacher is raising kids alone, with a spouse, or with a gaggle of relatives, they can bring out the best in kids, instill a love of learning, and model traits such as respect, tenacity, honesty, diligence, creativity, and generosity. Much like families, role models and mentors come in all shapes and sizes.
I understand why you feel protective. There will always be people who criticize unwed mothers and think their choice is disgraceful or immoral. Research shows that while Americans are more accepting of all kinds of families, they’re still intolerant of single women raising children alone. You may even feel conflicted yourself, which could be contributing to your anxiety about your girlfriend. I can’t tell you whether or not you should marry her. People get married for all sorts of reasons, and only you can determine how much this particular concern should factor into your decision. I can tell you, however, that you don’t have to rush into marriage simply because things will “go sour” at work.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
