Q: I’m a 39-year-old teacher, and I’ve been at the same school for 12 years. My principal has been here for seven of those 12 years, and in all that time, I don’t think he’s ever referred to me by my first name. He calls me “Mrs. Smith” when he needs to reference me in a conversation with anyone else, even when he’s talking to my own colleagues, often teachers whom I consider close friends. And when he must address me directly, either in person or via email, he doesn’t call me anything at all. I just get a generic “hello.” I don’t think he has ever used my first name! I know that in the scheme of things, this isn’t the biggest deal, but it really bothers me. Is it possible he doesn’t know my first name? Or that he can’t be bothered to remember any staff member’s first name? He’s like this with everyone. Or do you think he does this because he thinks it’s “good manners?” Whatever the reason, it sure makes me feel annoyed and invisible! After working closely with this man for several years (and through a pandemic, for God’s sake), I’d like him to call me something. Is it appropriate to ask him to use my first name, knowing that clearly isn’t his preference? Is it too late, since I’ve let it slide for so long at this point? For what it’s worth, I’ve been calling him by his first name for the full seven years I’ve known him, and he’s never complained, but that doesn’t seem to have made him want to follow my example.
A: While you certainly can ask him to call you by your first name, there’s no need to focus on the fact that this has bothered you for years. I’d also enter any conversation with an understanding that he likely was taught to reference people formally, and that he might feel uncomfortable calling you (or any staff member, for that matter) by their first name. When the opportunity arises, you could say something simple like, “Please call me Christina.” The problem, of course, is that it’s going to be hard to make that request if he never calls you anything at all. Based on what you wrote, he calls you “Mrs. Smith” only when he’s in conversation with others. And I suspect that might be the real issue here — that you’d like to be called by your name, period, whether he’s speaking to you in person or addressing you in an email. You’re feeling the absence of that personal touch. I do wonder if these interactions feel somewhat strange to him, as well. Perhaps he feels stuck in a weird no-man’s land where he thinks he knows you too well to call you Mrs. Smith, but feels impolite calling you Christina. He might not even realize that he comes across as uncaring or detached, but if these exchanges feel stilted to him, too, then he might appreciate some direction from you. On the other hand, there’s always the possibility that he hasn’t given this any thought at all — or that he doesn’t know your name! Neither of those possibilities seems likely, though, and my hunch is that he’s just awkward. Only you can decide whether you feel you need to address this social quirk directly or if you can let it go.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
