Q: When I signed on to be a principal, 17 years ago, I knew I had to let go of the need to be liked, and I’ve managed to do so, by and large. But in its place is deep resentment and chronic frustration that I find myself in frequent stand-offs with teachers who are bent out of shape because of some decision I’ve made. This has been more of a problem during COVID, as I have had to make endless and often controversial decisions. I’ve also had to enforce my supervisors’ often-unpopular decisions. I know people are not OK, but I can’t get over how rude some staff members are to me when they’re displeased with my actions. These are formerly polite staff members who have lost their filter entirely in recent months, and it’s downright shocking at times. I’m not big on hierarchy, and I strive to be a servant leader, but I’m not OK being disrespected. I am still their supervisor. How can I continue to make tough decisions without getting distracted by the prospect of specific teachers going off the rails? And how can I shut them down when they make me their punching bag? If I’m lucky, they lose their mind during a one-on-one meeting with me, but sometimes they’re belligerent during a staff meeting, and it’s even worse to be publicly criticized and feel like your reputation is getting wrecked (not that I like getting yelled at in private either)!
A: You’re struggling with two different challenges. The first problem is internal and more personal: You want to tune out the “noise” so you can make difficult decisions without getting in your own way. The second problem is interpersonal: You want to extinguish others’ poor behavior. It’s a lot easier to work on yourself than it is to change anyone else. Start by recognizing and accepting that you’re going to make some bad decisions. Even experienced, excellent principals will make a mix of stellar, “meh,” and downright bad calls. The goal is to stack the deck in favor of making as many smart decisions as possible. One way to tune out the noise — including the fear that you’ll take a hit to your reputation or get treated like a punching bag — is to use a decision-making framework. A principal I admire, Jessica Donovan, the head of Sheridan School in Washington, D.C., will ask herself three questions before she makes a tough choice: “Is it aligned with the school’s mission?” “Is it right for kids?” and “Is it aligned with my sense of integrity?” If she can answer “yes” to all three questions, then she proceeds. Generally speaking, she told me, she makes the right call, but when she gets it wrong, she has fewer regrets because she understands why she made the decision.
Similarly, focus on making decisions that are consistent with your values, rather than trying to preserve your reputation. Character relates to your integrity, whereas reputation relates to others’ subjective interpretation of your character. And as I pointed out, you can’t control anyone else’s thoughts or behavior. Which leads me to your second question. While you can’t “make” anyone treat you with respect, you can establish clear boundaries and expectations and outline any potential consequences. You can be a servant leader without becoming a punching bag. To that end, have a direct conversation with your staff about the appropriate time and place to contest a decision you’ve made. You can explain that you value staff members’ opinions, but there will be times when you need to make a call on your own. Talk about the respectful way to initiate a discussion, too. For instance, you might say that you’re happy to have a civil discussion, answer questions and share your thinking, but you’re not willing to engage with anyone who acts belligerent, yells, or lobs ad hominem attacks.
To ensure you’re modeling the behavior you hope to elicit, don’t engage with someone who pushes your buttons when you’re feeling tired, short tempered, or frustrated. Stay calm and treat the staff member with the same dignity and respect you want for yourself. I work with a third-grade teacher who will tell an argumentative student, “It’s a direction, not a discussion.” She looks the child in the eye calmly and confidently. It’s an effective approach with 8- and 9-year-olds, and the same calm, assertive approach is likely to help a disrespectful staff member self-regulate, too.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
