Q: I’m a middle school teacher and don’t think I’m thin-skinned, but maybe I’m wrong. As I was returning an assignment, I overheard two 7th-grade students talking about me. One boy told the other that I had the worst breath he’d ever smelled and that he hoped I didn’t breathe on him. The second boy laughed and said it wouldn’t be such a problem if I wasn’t such a close talker. I was standing behind them, and I don’t think they realized I could hear them. These students are impulsive on their best days, and it was right before winter break and I was tired, but it hit a nerve. I stopped and stared at them coldly to let them know that I’d heard what they said. They looked stricken and sheepish and stopped talking. I paused an extra second for emphasis before continuing to hand back papers. But the moment is still gnawing at me. I keep wondering if I should have been more direct. I think I’m a likable, fair teacher, and I know I deserve better. How should I have handled the situation? Should I tell them it was hurtful now? Or am I just over-sensitive and need to let it go?
A: The boys’ comments were offensive, and you’re a human being with feelings. There’s no need to beat yourself up for being sensitive. That said, I don’t think rehashing the whole thing will make you feel better. It also won’t change their opinion, if they even believe what they said. Remember, these are impulsive 7th-grade boys. They like to get a laugh and can struggle to walk the line between funny and mean. (That said, it probably isn’t a terrible idea to do an honest self-assessment. Is it possible that you’re a close talker or that you have coffee breath?)
There’s no need to beat yourself up for being sensitive.
Either way, there’s no “right” way to respond to rudeness. In this case, you stayed calm and composed and stared at the boys until they got the message. It was an effective approach — they stopped talking right away. They were embarrassed (and probably worried about getting in trouble). If their goal was to hurt you, they would have insulted you to your face. I’m not excusing their behavior, but I think it’s helpful to consider the developmental context.
The good (and bad) news is that you’ll likely have another opportunity to finetune your approach. For instance, you could try incorporating self-deprecating humor by saying something like, “I won the award for worst breath? I didn’t even prepare an acceptance speech!” If you want to have a serious conversation, take stock of the situation first. You probably will feel (and want to respond) differently depending on whether you’re dealing with a repeat offender or someone who’s always respectful. Make sure you’re calm and level-headed and that you talk to the student in private. You also might benefit from consulting with colleagues who teach the same student. They may have experienced the same dynamic and be able to offer advice or helpful context. For example, they may have spoken to the child’s parents or consulted with a counselor or administrator. If this is a broader classroom culture issue, consider problem-solving as a class.
Your sensitivity may not feel like a gift right now, but it’s great that you’re so self-aware. And while it may be counterintuitive, your hurt feelings are instructive. They’re a signal that you need to practice some self-care, whether you incorporate more fun into your routine or talk to a friend who can help you find the humor in the situation.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
