Q: I’m an elementary school teacher and new parent, the single mother of a three-month old baby girl. Last week, a parent took a video of me teaching while I held my infant on my lap, and then she sent the video to my principal. She called my conduct “outrageous” and demanded that I either put my baby in child care ASAP or get fired. She even told me that she tattled on me, which was humiliating! My own mother helps me with child care three days a week because I’m not comfortable putting my baby in day care during a pandemic. My mom can’t help me the other two days a week because that’s when she works her nursing shifts. So, two days a week, yes, I occasionally have to hold my infant on my lap. My daughter sleeps most of the time, and I’d hardly call her a distraction. Maybe she’s fussed twice on camera since the school year started. Of course, one of those times was when this angry parent “caught” me teaching while rocking my baby in my arms.
I’m working many, many hours overtime and I’m up at all hours of the night caring for my baby. Taking leave isn’t an option, as it would be unpaid. I’ve used up all my paid leave and, like I said, I’m the sole provider for my family. I also need health insurance. Technically, I know I’m violating my district’s rules. We were told that we had to get child care if we wanted to teach. I did make a good faith effort in the midst of an extreme time, and so it’s demoralizing to have someone scold me for being bad and tell my principal, too. He happens to be a decent and understanding man and says he’s upset for me that someone complained about something so inconsequential, but his hands are tied, he has to treat everyone the same, and therefore I need to get child care for the two days my mom can’t come. I’m tempted to say I’m looking for a sitter, but then drag out the search process. Do you think I could get away with that? Is there another solution that I’m just not seeing, maybe because I’m so dang tired all the time? Do you think my principal is just being nice but secretly is terribly disappointed in me and plans to write me up? I’m not tenured and I’m hormonal and my brain is doing crazy things and I am totally paranoid! Also, I hate distance teaching because I know that complaining mother will be hovering all the time, camera ready to go. Ugh! Thanks for any guidance you can offer.
A: You’ve got some logistical challenges, and I’ll get to that, but first let’s talk about your distorted thinking, which is making everything feel worse. For starters, you’re engaging in mind reading. You call your principal decent and understanding, but then speculate that he’s secretly disappointed in you and planning to write you up. Assume positive intent and try to take what he said at face value. He’s sorry you’re in a bind, understands that you’re trying to balance work and child care, and he needs you to look for care for the two days you don’t have covered. You also say you’re convinced the parent who complained about you will be lurking in your online classes, waiting to document any missteps. While that’s possible, there’s no percentage in trying to guess how she’ll behave. She’s just a distraction. Plus, she’s unlikely to cause further damage to your reputation. She’s already called the principal, and unless you do something egregious and unrelated to her initial complaint, she’ll just be repeating the same information. But if you’re worried about your standing with your principal to the point that you’re losing sleep, then reach out to him to clear the air.
You do still have a logistical challenge, though. You need two additional days of in-home child care, assuming you continue to feel uncomfortable putting your child in day care. You asked me if you were perhaps failing to spot an easy solution, and I doubt it. I’m going to presume you’ve considered various babysitting options, such as hiring a college student or perhaps a recent high school graduate who is taking a gap year. I’m wondering, however, if you’ve considered asking a district administrator whether it might be possible to job-share or work part time without losing your health insurance.
Whatever you do, don’t lie. If you’re not going to look for child care, and working part time isn’t a viable option, then you may need to take unpaid leave. As you iron all of this out, consider your longer-term plan. Who will care for your child when you return to in-person teaching? As you weigh the options, cut yourself some slack (and try to get some sleep when you can). Reframe the situation. You’re a new parent working hard to deliver instruction in a novel way in the middle of a crisis. You have not been “caught being bad;” you’ve been “caught needing additional coverage.” And those are two very different things.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
