Q: I’m a hard-working and reliable high school teacher. In addition to working my required hours, I stay late, mentor colleagues, cover for others and pick up extra duties, meet with students during free periods, and “go the extra mile with a smile.” I thought my administrators appreciated my professionalism and positive attitude but now I am not sure. It’s hard to know since they never praise me for doing a good job. I can live with that. I’m in this for the kids, and I know that happiness is an inside job. I firmly believe that waiting for someone else to applaud you is a set-up for disappointment. I maintain my high standards for me.
Now I’m struggling. When I walked into the main office to pick up my mail last week, my principal asked me if we could talk. It seems silly now, but I thought she wanted to thank me for being such a good team player. Not even close! She wanted to tell me she had on-camera evidence that I clocked out early one afternoon. She said it’s her job to hold everyone accountable, but not to worry because she “wouldn’t write me up this time.” Are you kidding me?
Here’s what’s burning me up even more. On the day I left early (during my free period, though I’m not claiming I didn’t break a rule), I walked out with another teacher who was also leaving early. I asked my colleague if she had been called out too. No one had said a word to her. On top of not giving me grace for this one rare, uncharacteristic infraction (grace I think I’ve earned), my principal is not holding teachers accountable evenly. I don’t know if I should say something to her or not, but I can’t let this go. To never receive praise is one thing, but to get chastised for making one mistake is really upsetting me. I don’t want to bring my other colleague into this. What do you think I should do?
A: I can understand why getting chastised felt so rotten, especially given the dearth of positive feedback. The fact that your colleague wasn’t called out for the same infraction is salt on the wound. You can approach this a few different ways, but before you do anything, you might want to hit the pause button. First, you may find you feel less sensitive (or more aggrieved) and have more clarity about what you need. You might have a positive interaction with your principal that changes how you perceive the situation. Or she may talk to your colleague in the interim. It’s also possible that she simply had a bad day, and the negative interaction doesn’t reflect her regard for you. You might even decide you want to let everything simmer for a while and see if it was a one-off thing or there’s a recurrence. I get that it’s hard to give someone the benefit of the doubt when they didn’t extend that same courtesy to you.
When you have a better sense of what you want and need, whether that’s validation or a chance to tell your principal that you felt you were treated unfairly, set up a meeting. Start by owning your mistake and reassuring her that it won’t happen again, then explain why you wanted to talk. There’s no need to be confrontational or even reference your colleague unless the primary goal is to highlight her inconsistency. You can focus on the fact that the interaction felt significant because it made you realize that you would like more positive, balanced feedback. Hopefully, your principal will be happy to use the opportunity to recognize the many ways that you contribute to the school community.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
