Q: I wrote a tactful, helpful email to a parent. Her child is in my English class and puts forth little to no work. The week before a big project was due, I asked him how he planned to complete the different components by the due date. He said, “It’s fine, you don’t need to nag me.” I told him I thought he needed help with organization given how little he had done. He said he didn’t want or need any help. He also told me I could stop repeating myself and mumbled something about “getting off his back.” I repeated my concern that he was digging himself into a hole. I said I thought he might be unhappy if he got a low grade, but he shrugged and rolled his eyes.
That day, I gave all my students extra time to work on the project, but he did nothing. He did take a long break when I gave him permission to use the restroom. I was frustrated, but I can’t police every kid every second. That afternoon, I emailed his mother, who I know is a single parent. I told her I was worried he would miss the due date. I suggested that she sit down with him and help him figure out how he could complete the work. I admitted that he was less than excited when I tried to do the same with him. I want him to be successful, but I also don’t want her to be shocked if he earns a low grade.
The boy’s mother wrote back right away and said she was offended by my note. She was borderline nasty. She wrote that it was my job to motivate my students, not hers. She told me that if her son wasn’t excited about the project, then maybe I should rethink my teaching style. She added a zinger that she didn’t appreciate the edge to my note, and that if I have a problem with her son, I should come right out and say it instead of offering “fake-nice advice.” She said she would talk to her son and “make him do the work,” but only because it was clear “I wasn’t doing my job.” Geez! What now? I don’t want her to escalate this above me, but I also don’t want to be her punching bag. I’m doing my best here.
A: The boy’s mother misunderstood the intent of your note and was rude, but I think she accurately picked up on your irritation with her son, felt defensive, and lashed out. I’m conjecturing, but I think there’s a lot that isn’t being said. Perhaps she’s having similar battles with him at home, feels helpless and overwhelmed, and your email touched a nerve. Maybe that’s why the boy told you, “You don’t need to nag me” when you offered help. And despite the bite in his mother’s email, she cares. She wrote you back right away and said she’ll sit down with him to ensure he does the work. If this is her first hostile email, I’d give her some grace. If she’s often antagonistic, you might want to involve a department chair or administrator.
Underscore that you both want the same thing, and if you’re on the same page and communicating a consistent message, you’ll have a better shot at eliciting his best behavior and increasing his engagement.
I wouldn’t send any more emails, though. Pick up the phone and set up a time to talk or – if possible – meet face-to-face. Acknowledge that your signals crossed and say you’d like to press the reset button. Be clear that your goal is to set her son up for success and hope to support her, too. She’s perceptive and prefers a direct approach, so be honest about your tense interactions with him. Ideally, she’ll talk to him about his behavior. Share his avoidant tendencies and ask her if she has any thoughts about why he resists your help. For instance, does she think the work is difficult for him? Or perhaps he’s distressed about something else? Are there any specific strategies that motivate him at home? Tell her your intent is to help him do well, not transfer the teaching burden to her. Underscore that you both want the same thing, and if you’re on the same page and communicating a consistent message, you’ll have a better shot at eliciting his best behavior and increasing his engagement.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
