Q: I’m a high school special education teacher who plans to teach summer school classes. My husband is upset because he’s heard me complaining all year that I am fried. He feels like this year in particular put a lot of pressure not only on me but also on our relationship. He really wants me to take the summer off and feels we can afford it. He doesn’t understand why I insist on working this summer.
In truth, it’s complicated. Everything he said is accurate. I’m extremely tired. Our relationship has been strained this year. And we can afford it, technically, though we then wouldn’t be able to take a vacation at the end of August. Taking a vacation is important to me, not only for the change of scenery, but because I think we need that kind of quality time as a couple. Beyond those reasons, I work in an area that’s short on special education teachers. As it is, so many students won’t be able to get the support they need this summer. It very much feels like the right thing to do. But the biggest non-negotiable for me here is that I already have signed a contract, and I’m not going to back out of a firm commitment. I’m of course having some second thoughts myself, but I feel like I can’t admit that to my husband.
My request is twofold. Can you help me feel better about this decision, since I really can’t complain to him? And do you have any ideas about how I can address his frustration about my decision? At this rate, I’m worried I’ll have to take that vacation all by myself!
A: Decisions are rarely straightforward and almost always involve trade-offs. The irony is that your husband and you are equally conflicted about this decision. He wants to protect your well-being and your relationship. After listening to your frustrations all year, he thinks you both need and deserve a break. Meanwhile, you’re conflicted because you feel a sense of obligation to your students and want to follow through on your commitment. Whether or not it’s the “right” choice, you feel like it’s a done deal now.
It may be counterintuitive, but validating his concerns and sharing your own fears is likely to get you farther.
Your instinct, therefore, is to conceal your self-doubt from your husband — to double-down on your decision. It may be counterintuitive, but validating his concerns and sharing your own fears is likely to get you farther. He’s not your adversary; in fact, he’s firmly on your side. Why not tell him that you appreciate that he’s worried about you, share your thought process and reasons for taking the job, be transparent about your ambivalence, and ask for his input? It may be a “done deal,” but you can still ask him for advice — whether you want help sticking to reasonable, pre-designated work hours, setting realistic expectations, practicing self-care, or scheduling time to do fun things together. You could even put any agreed-upon goals in writing. As you’re having these conversations, emphasize that you also care about the relationship and one of the reasons you took the job is so you can afford to take a fun vacation with him. To that end, you could even research some options together.
Your second request is for me to help you identify some positives in this decision. You mentioned a couple big ones, including the opportunity to help students who otherwise might not get needed special education support, as well as the chance to earn extra income. Without knowing the details of the program, is it also possible you’ll have smaller class sizes? If so, could you treat summer school as a lab of sorts — a chance to test out new ways to help students catch up or deepen their understanding? Could you also use the time to get a jump start on work you’d otherwise have to do in the fall? Will the routine, student population, or pace be sufficiently different that it’s likely to feel like a welcome change from your usual school-year grind?
These are just a few ways to reframe the situation, but I want to underscore that I’m not trying to argue away your reservations. As I said earlier, decisions are rarely clear-cut. They’re also rarely permanent. If you end up regretting this one, you can resolve to make a different one next summer.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
