Q: I’m a high school teacher in a high-achieving school district in the Northeast. For the last few years, I’ve been hearing people talk about the lessons we’ve learned from the pandemic about slowing down, resetting our priorities, and resisting the pressure to lead overscheduled, stressful lives. However, I’m still waiting to see any sweeping changes, particularly with regards to students’ perfectionist tendencies. I think many of us are so anxious about making up lost ground (and in my community’s case, preparing kids to apply to competitive colleges), those lessons have gone right out the window. As a result, my students, all of whom are juniors and seniors, are as hard on themselves as they were pre-pandemic, maybe even more so. So much for balance.
I can’t fight the forces that lead kids to be hard on themselves or to believe they need to build the perfect resume or go to a highly ranked college, but I’d like to do something to ease their stress and change the culture within my classroom, at least. And I want to message this to students in a way that won’t make them roll their eyes or dismiss me as naïve. I do recognize that the college application process is more unpredictable and volatile than before the pandemic, and I also understand how that contributes to their overall anxiety. At the same time, I think their stress is getting in the way of their learning and their emotional well-being. Some will redo an assignment several times for zero improvement in their final grade!
A: As you pointed out, you can’t change the culture as a whole, but you can be a sounding board and help students reassess their approach to schoolwork. Start by asking them how they’re doing. Set aside time to acknowledge that they’re living through tough times, growing up in a high-pressure environment and may be experiencing a great deal of stress. Tell them you’re worried that they’re so hard on themselves, it’s making it hard for them to learn. Validate whatever concerns they raise, whether they relate to academic workload, leading a balanced life, volatility in college admissions, leaving home for the first time, or other amorphous worries about their future. Be clear that while you can’t remove every stressor, you’d like to dial down the pressure in your classroom.
Be clear that while you can’t remove every stressor, you’d like to dial down the pressure in your classroom.
Start by trying to build their self-awareness and help them understand the nature of perfectionism. Explain that perfectionism comes from a place of fear and typically serves a protective purpose. Acknowledge that it may be hard for them to set reasonable goals, particularly since they’re absorbing all kinds of achievement-oriented messages from the greater community. Be clear that this isn’t an overnight fix. By high school, a perfectionistic student may have leaned on these tendencies for so long, they’ve become a habit. And they won’t be able to change their behavior without acquiring replacement strategies.
So how can you help them cope in healthier ways? When you initiate a dialogue with the students in your class, tell them you plan to reach out to them individually afterward. Meet first with the ones who seem to be struggling the most. When you talk with them one-on-one, ask them what they think they “should” be accomplishing and then help them set reasonable, attainable goals. Draw from your large sample size to give kids a sense of what “reasonable” looks like. Then ask them what they think they’re giving up in the process of chasing perfection. In other words, what are they sacrificing to reach their goals? Maybe they’re spending so much time trying to get an A in every single class that they’ve lost sight of what subjects interest them. Or perhaps they’re not allotting enough time to hang out with friends and decompress. In a 2018 Pew Research Center survey of 13- to 17-year-olds, 40% of teens cited too many obligations as a reason they don’t spend time with friends. Let your students know that you believe that socializing is part of leading a balanced life.
The language you use matters, too. Be wary of using the word “best,” which sets an impossible standard for a perfectionist. Research also shows that using a phrase like “rough draft thinking” can tamp down pressure. Carve out time weekly to discuss and celebrate mistakes as a class and identify moments of humor that could lighten the mood. You also can explain that too much stress can be counterproductive and have a negative impact on performance.
Offer practical tips, too. Suggest that students come up with “policies” for themselves, such as stopping work at a set time. If they’re not finished, they can email you to let you know they need clarification or more time or help working more efficiently. Make sure your words and your actions are consistent. If you tell students that you want them to prioritize sleep, but then assign 20 problems when five would suffice, you’ll lose credibility. You can share the metaphor of putting rocks, pebbles and sand in a jar to help them prioritize tasks. The rocks represent “must do’s,” such as going to school. The pebbles are “should do’s,” such as going to sports practice. The sand represents “want to do’s,” such as playing video games. Explain that if a student fills their jar with sand and pebbles first, they won’t have room for the rocks. If they spend their time redoing an assignment that has no bearing on their grade, for instance, they won’t have as much time to sleep. Your students may roll their eyes no matter what you say, but that doesn’t mean they’re not listening. If nothing else, they’ll appreciate that you care about them and want to help them negotiate a stressful time in their lives.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
