Q: I’m a counselor in a public school in Chicago that’s still virtual, and I’ve been working my tail off to meet students’ needs. In fact, all my supervisors would say I’ve gone above and beyond. Some of my counselor colleagues only connect with a few kids and call it a day. I’m not exaggerating when I say I’ve been working 16-hour days. I’ve collected and distributed winter coats, brought extra materials and food to students who lacked transportation to pick that stuff up themselves, checked in with every single one of my students (and I have a large caseload) on multiple occasions, and given dozens of extra SEL lessons to the teachers on my team. I feel in my bones that kids need more than academics right now.
I was feeling proud of all that I’ve accomplished when the boom dropped. I was placed on paid administrative leave while they conduct an investigation about “alleged misconduct.” My principal told me she can’t tell me what the person said I did, and that I need to be patient, stay calm and believe in the process. She has more faith than I do that things could go back to normal after this. Even if I’m cleared, my reputation is going to be ruined! I don’t want to work at this school or in this district ever again. I’m embarrassed even to talk to my principal because I’m worried about what she has heard and what she now thinks of me.
I know you can’t make this go away, but can you help me not blow up my life? Also, when I go back to work, assuming they find nothing to pin on me, how can I face everyone? I’m devastated and falling apart. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before, and I have no idea what I could have said or done to land in this situation. As a male counselor, I’m especially sensitive to the need for good boundaries.
A: I’m not surprised you feel like you’re falling apart. Research shows that job instability can exact a greater toll on a person’s health than getting fired. Human beings are wired to resolve uncertainty, and you’re in the difficult position of not even knowing the nature of the alleged misconduct. Add in the uncertainty of the pandemic and your long hours attending to others’ needs, and it’s no wonder you’re depleted.
Now that you’ve been forced to stop working, you have all the time in the world to ruminate about worst-case scenarios, and that isn’t helpful. When individuals operate from the “fight, flight, or freeze” part of their brain, they have a hard time thinking logically and responding productively. Excess ruminating also can lead to depression or post-traumatic stress disorder. You can’t outrun your feelings, but you can try to pull any extreme thoughts back to the center.
What do I mean? For instance, it’s far too early to conclude that your reputation will be ruined. If investigators conclude that there was no misconduct, it’s possible very few people will ever even know about this. Remember, an investigation is supposed to be fair to both the accuser and the accused. You’re also not a mind reader. You have no idea how your principal feels about you, but you do know that she’s trying to reassure you. That’s a good sign. Depending on how the information came to light, she may not even know all the details of your case. Even if the complaint sticks and you have to mount a defense, you might find that less distressing than living with so many unknowns. At that point, your school will have to disclose the nature of the complaint as part of due process. You won’t be left in the dark feeling helpless.
In addition to policing your unproductive thoughts, find ways to be proactive. You’ll be less stressed if you act with agency. If you’re a member of a union, for instance, contact your representative for advice. You also can seek the advice of a lawyer, though you may not need to take that step if you aren’t facing criminal charges. If you have the bandwidth, you also can exercise agency by looking for another job for next year. It can be empowering to create an exit option — even one you never use.
Finally, avoid harmful coping strategies, such as drinking too much, and try to distract yourself, whether you exercise or change your scenery. You have the flexibility right now to plant yourself in a different location. Whether you leave town or stick around, keep your circle of trust small. As a counselor yourself, you know that a good mental health therapist can help you process this trauma while maintaining your confidentiality.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
