Q: I’m a male math teacher at a public middle school in the Midwest, and my question is . . . different. I genuinely enjoy working with a lot of women, but a female colleague recently told me that she “had to go poop.” She’s 30, for what it’s worth — not 12! On another occasion, when I was looking for a paraeducator in the building, she informed me that the paraeducator was pooping. A third time, I walked into the staff lounge to find this same teacher adjusting her underpants. She immediately told me that “her panties were in a bunch.” I’ve been laughing off these comments, but they do catch me by surprise. They also make me really uncomfortable. As a man, I’d never make any comments along these lines. Is it different for women? Where is the line at work when it comes to language and boundaries? Should I be handling this differently? For now, I just try to leave the conversation ASAP.
A: Let’s pause for a moment to acknowledge that we’re talking about an adult. I’d be taken aback too. She’s either oblivious and in dire need of social skills training, or she enjoys the shock value. This has nothing to do with gender. Who talks like that at work? Perhaps some colleagues are close enough to discuss health issues, but bowel movements? Just no. You have a few options. You can deflect with humor and make a comment such as “TMI,” or “You’re over-sharing.” Or you can say, “Honestly, talking about poop grosses me out.” If she continues to act like a child, you may have to treat her like one. Be direct and say, “I really don’t want to hear about that.” If there are students in the vicinity, you could point out that it would be pretty bad if they overheard her. Then end the conversation and get out of there.
If she has the ability to pick up on any feedback at all, she should get the point. If she’s doing it for shock value, however, you may need to handle this situation differently. In that case, I’d be nonreactive. I wouldn’t engage at all. I’d just walk away with a poker face, as if it didn’t register. If she starts talking about her panties again, either literally or figuratively, I wouldn’t even acknowledge the comment. She might think she’s being funny, but it’s weird that she’s not taking care of that in a private setting.
A third possibility is that she thinks the two of you are closer than you are, and she feels comfortable crossing widely accepted boundaries. Or perhaps she’d like the two of you to be better friends. If so, this is an odd way of trying to get your attention. If that’s her end goal, she might cut it out if you find a different way to connect. You could model how to carry on a normal work conversation about, say, the time of the next staff meeting. I’d understand, however, if you weren’t looking to actively befriend this person.
I do want to return to your comment about gender. I sense that you’re attempting to categorize your discomfort. If her comments were overtly sexual, there’d be a protocol that you could follow to end the unwanted comments. It would be clear she was crossing a line, and you could lodge a complaint. Sexual comments would be inappropriate coming from a man or a woman. But this is different. What, you’re wondering, does one do about comments that are just plain immature and yucky? I think your best option is to counteract her childish behavior by acting like an adult. If someone asked intrusive questions about your love life or salary, you’d establish firm boundaries, end the conversation, and generally avoid the person if their behavior persisted. I’d deal with this woman’s potty talk the same way.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
