Q: As a principal, I’ve learned to expect that some staff members will complain about PTA gifts (or lack thereof), though I’m generally of the “don’t question the value of a gift” school of thought. My attitude is that if someone is thinking of you, just say thank you. But while I don’t like it when staff act like ingrates, I mostly let it go. This week, however, it felt personal. As a goodwill gesture of appreciation, I put cheddar cheese, homemade jam, and two types of homemade bread (baked by yours truly) in the staff lounge. I followed up with an all-staff email inviting everyone to stop by and grab a snack. To be clear, I didn’t expect thank you notes or anything like that, but I really didn’t expect to hear what I heard when I walked into the lounge! A few teachers who were in there were complaining about the treats and how “cheap” the PTA had gotten. A second teacher added that the bread was “stale” and “probably came from the “half-off shelf” at the bakery. They obviously didn’t realize that I (rather than the PTA) had brought in the treats for them myself, but the comment still stung. I walked out, then spent the rest of the day wondering if, and how, I should have responded. I’m not sure if I should have called them out.
What do you think? Should I write something to the staff as a whole now? For what it’s worth, the reason I didn’t spell out that I made the bread and jam myself is because I didn’t do it for positive feedback or praise; I just wanted to do something nice for my staff at a time of year when everyone is tired and feels overwhelmed. Who knew the response would be so hateful?
A: The teachers’ judgmental comments were hurtful and fall under the “no good deed goes unpunished” category, but there’s no need to extrapolate that your entire staff felt the same way. Your bad luck was walking into the staff room at the precise moment that a few negative people were trashing the treats. For all you know, groups of teachers had expressed the exact opposite sentiment at other moments throughout the day.
I know you’re asking if you should say something to your staff now, but I first want to revisit the decision to withhold the fact that you made the treats yourself. I understand that you weren’t looking for praise or credit, but I can think of other compelling reasons to be transparent. Beyond sparing yourself the kind of scene you encountered in the staff lounge, it represented an opportunity to convey that you appreciate your staff enough to bake them something special. There’s tremendous value in that, even if few think that what you made is particularly tasty.
Only you can decide if it’s worth talking to the staff members who offended you, but whether you do or you don’t, remember that you can’t please everyone.
As for the pros and cons of saying something, I can see it both ways. If you speak up — privately, and only to the people who hurt your feelings (I wouldn’t send an all-school email) — you could clarify your intentions, clear the air, and perhaps prevent lingering resentment on your part. On the other hand, speaking up could escalate tensions — the opposite of the intent of your gesture — and create discomfort for everyone involved. Factor in what you know about yourself and the staff members in question. Are you someone who feels comfortable addressing these types of situations directly? If so, is it worth it to you to talk to these particular ungrateful teachers? Do they tend to complain about everything? Are they generally receptive to feedback, or is confronting them likely to accomplish little more than taking time away from your other responsibilities?
Only you can decide if it’s worth talking to the staff members who offended you, but whether you do or you don’t, remember that you can’t please everyone. That said, I’d like to think that the bulk of your staff appreciated the edible gesture of appreciation. Try to focus on that possibility instead.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
