Q: There are some kids who try teachers’ patience. It goes with the territory. But sometimes teachers create a harmful narrative. The kid becomes “bad,” “disruptive,” “hopeless,” “aggressive,” you name it. The other students inevitably pick up on the negative vibe, so this impacts the child’s reputation among their peers and all the other educators in the building. I’m not even sure the teachers realize they’re doing this or just how damaging it is. It kind of gives everyone an out — it rationalizes their low-frustration threshold. I’d like to put a stop to the mean-spirited talk in a constructive way. Beyond refusing to engage, what can I do? I work in a small elementary school and can’t afford to alienate my colleagues. Unfortunately, the same educators maligning the students in question are not exactly the best listeners or the most sensitive people. I’ll be transparent and admit I’m conflict-averse and don’t want to take them on. Basically, I want to be as nonconfrontational as possible while still getting the job done. So if you don’t give me an impersonal way to handle this, I’m pretty sure I’ll do nothing! I’m just being honest here. Help!
A: I’m a fan of honesty, but if you’re too uncomfortable to be straightforward, I recommend trying an Intervention Lab. The faculty and staff at my school recently tried this approach with the help of diversity practitioner and consultant Toni Graves Williamson. It’s an effective way to kick-start difficult conversations and crowdsource solutions. Here’s how it works. At a staff meeting, split up into groups of four. Within those groups, have each person spend a few minutes sharing a problem they’re experiencing, then solicit the others’ ideas. The concerns need to be real and solvable. Your problem lends itself well to this format. After everyone has had a turn to share their dilemma, the facilitator asks each group to choose one of their problems to present to the broader group. Then everyone has a chance to weigh in with their thoughts. The technique is effective for several reasons: No one is specifically named or called out; it’s structured and solution-oriented; teachers “warm up” by problem solving in a smaller group first, and everyone’s voice gets heard.
When your concern about maligning students gets aired, explain why you think it’s harmful. I suspect you’ll feel supported by the majority of your colleagues. Share that you’ve seen how it can damage a student’s reputation among their peers and their other teachers. You also can point out that kids pick up on contempt and act accordingly. If the offending teachers are not particularly empathetic, appeal to their self-interest. When they lower the bar, kids act worse. In other words, they’re creating work for themselves. On the flip side, children will rise to meet high expectations.
That said, teachers are human beings. They’re going to talk to one another about their students’ misbehavior at times. So during the Intervention Lab, discuss how to do that constructively. There’s a difference, for example, between soliciting advice and making an ad hominem attack on a child. Encourage your colleagues to ask themselves some questions: Am I making generalizations and using words like “always” and “never”? Am I exaggerating my student’s behavior or speculating about their home life? Am I discussing my frustration with people in a position to offer me advice? Am I experimenting with new approaches and trying to strengthen my relationship with the student, or am I complaining indiscriminately?
Hopefully, the right teachers will recognize themselves and adopt some of the group’s recommendations. If the intervention doesn’t work, however, you may need to be more vocal. Expressing dismay in real time is going to be more effective than simply refusing to engage.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
