Q: I’m an administrator, and my son is a 7th grader at the school where I work. He’s a pretty typical 7th-grade boy. Sometimes he’s very charming and agreeable, and sometimes he’s cranky and belligerent, talking back or disregarding classroom rules. He’s not a bad kid, but lately my sons’ teachers have been making a lot of offhand comments about his behavior, often couching them in a joke. As in, “Tyler (not his real name) was quite a handful today! He really got the other kids juiced up!” Or, “My oh my, what did you give Tyler for breakfast today? He was ricocheting off the walls and entertaining us all as usual, but I had to work mighty hard to peel him off the ceiling.” I know the expression, “Many a truth is said in jest,” and I think that’s what’s happening here. His teachers are trying to soften the message that he’s a pain in the neck by using a light tone. Clearly, though, they’re frustrated. I want to balance my role as an administrator with my role as a father. I also want to get the unvarnished truth about my child, and I want them to deal with him as they would deal with any other misbehaving student. My wife feels the same way as I do. How can I correct this dynamic?
A: Many teachers find it hard to relay upsetting information to parents. They may worry that their student’s parents won’t be receptive to negative feedback, or that they’ll be overly punitive and shame their child, or that they’ll lash out at the messenger. Under the best of circumstances, it’s not a fun task. Now imagine the parent in question is also your boss. That adds a whole new and complicated layer. I suspect these teachers have been testing the waters by adopting a joking tone, but they’re not fooling you. You know they’re struggling with your child’s behavior and could use your support. At the same time, they may worry you’ll respond defensively.
To correct this unproductive dynamic, name the elephant in the room and be clear about what you’d like from them. You might say, “I can appreciate that it’s awkward to tell your principal that his son is being a pain in the neck, but I do want you to share the complete picture with me so I can reinforce our expectations at home and hold him accountable. I also want you to hold him accountable and treat him exactly as you would any other child.”
That said, I’d implement some ground rules. If his teachers wouldn’t ordinarily call a parent in the middle of the workday, they shouldn’t accost you in the school hallways. Not to mention that any time they corner you for a quick, informal conversation, they’re leaving your wife out of the conversation. Let his teachers know you’d like them to alert both you and your wife whenever your son misbehaves, whether they shoot you an email or leave a phone message.
As for consequences at school, consider designating another administrator as the point person. You want to keep your parent and administrator roles separate. It’s hard enough being in 7th grade without getting suspended by your own dad. And when teachers do approach you with their concerns, go out of your way to ease their discomfort and show appreciation. Let them know that you’ll discuss the situation with your son and that you’ll convey to him that there are eyes and ears on the ground. He needs to know that you’ll be working with his teachers. If you’re clear that you’re aware that your son — like all kids — is imperfect and that you welcome their partnership, they’ll continue to engage with you straightforwardly and honestly.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
