Reining in helicopter parents

Q: I love parents, I really do. I’m a middle school English teacher, and my students do better when they go home to involved, caring parents. Except lately it seems like there are so many parents who have trouble knowing where their child’s life ends and their own begins. These are the parents who want me to send updates whenever their child gets less than a perfect grade, or when anything whatsoever goes awry. I don’t know why the grades I post online regularly are not sufficient markers of progress, or why they can’t just talk to their kids themselves. They show up in my classroom unannounced and expect an instant conference, or they send me e-mails day and night. The behavior that bothers me the most is when they sweet talk me to my face, telling me how grateful they are that I consistently go above and beyond, then undermine me to the principal the second they are displeased by some minor nothing. I’m patient to a point, and I think I’ve hit that point. It doesn’t just hurt me, it hurts the students. Some of the kids wait for their parents to fix every problem and crumble under the slightest pressure. Can you give me a script or some words of wisdom so I don’t lose my temper with the next helicopter parent?

A: You sound like a hard-working and devoted teacher, and I think your generosity is contributing to your burnout. You may need to revisit your boundaries, at least with this type of parent. If you do, you’ll feel less fried and your students will develop resilience and resourcefulness. Parents will benefit, too, because intensely micromanaging their children isn’t healthy for them, either.

Helicoptering is fueled by both love and anxiety. If you want to end the cycle, you can’t add to parents’ stress. You need to have empathy and understand that their children are the center of their lives. They see their role as protector and don’t have your emotional distance. Children need to stumble in order to learn, but that can feel counterintuitive to parents.