Career Confidential is on vacation for the summer. This column originally ran in June 2020.
Q: I teach 6th-grade Spanish, but this question applies across grade levels and subject areas. As we look forward to fall, we can anticipate that few educators or parents will be thrilled with whatever plans schools announce. We’re likely to see a lot of compromising going on to meet the needs of different groups, from immune-compromised teachers to working parents to students with learning challenges to teachers with small children to the underfunded school districts themselves. I think people are steeling themselves to be disappointed or to have to overcome some hurdle or another to make their lives work. I’m a part of a few Facebook groups and neighborhood listservs, and there’s no question that people are feeling a ton of pressure and anticipatory distress, and plenty of people are vocal about being ticked off at teachers and their supervisors.
I’m a teacher, but I’m also a parent, and I know my own kids hear me verbally pulling my hair out in conversations with their dad. I’m sure I’ve made some general but snide remarks about my district’s central office to students in my Zoom classes, too. I’ll do whatever I’m told to do, but I’ve started thinking about all these kids, in all these homes and all these virtual classes, who are absorbing a ton of negativity about how schools have responded to the crisis, the efficacy of remote learning, the paucity of timely information, etc. I worry my students will internalize these messages and fail to respect me in the same way when we return to school. Will they now have the same disdain for administrators and generally be “down on schools” like their parents and maybe even some of their teachers? I want to check myself here, too. How should we, as educators, be talking about this with students, and what can I say to students if they make disrespectful comments about me, my colleagues or supervisors, or distance learning in general?
A: Children look to the adults in their lives to gauge how they should react to a situation. If their parents and teachers seem alarmed, then they’re going to feel less secure and more anxious. But that doesn’t mean adults should be disingenuous — your 6th graders in particular will sniff out any inauthenticity in a nanosecond. What’s needed isn’t to sugar-coat the situation but, rather, to be more careful to consider how your words, actions, and behaviors will affect children’s ability to engage in learning.
Work backward. I’m assuming you want your students (and your own children) to treat adults with respect, retain a sense of optimism, and feel safe. Derogatory comments made in a moment of frustration can stick in kids’ brains and be hard to dislodge. It’s hard to feel positive about school if your parents or teachers are talking about — or treating — educators with contempt. Your desire to “check yourself” is spot on. So, before you talk freely in front of your students or children, process your feelings in private with a friend, partner, colleague, or even a therapist. That’s the right time to express your fears about safety, unrealistic expectations, burnout, impossible logistics, or lack of clear directives. As you let out your emotions, though, try to identify some positives, too, whether you acknowledge that everyone is doing the best they can or believe that things will be better than they were when everyone had to build the plane while flying it. Try to be fair so you can model balanced thinking for kids.
For instance, it’s important to make sure students understand what decision makers are doing to keep everyone safe. You can highlight the many ways students can keep themselves safe, too. Point out their strengths and focus on the fact that they’ve now had practice exhibiting flexibility. You can describe how you’ve grown from this experience, as well.
If a student says something snarky to you, respond respectfully and help them expand their perspective. If, for instance, they say, “My parents say remote learning is garbage, so I don’t know why we’re even bothering,” you might calmly say something like, “This whole experience has been hard for a lot of people — there’s no question — but I’m so glad you’re in my class and I think we’re going to learn a lot together this year.” Then offer to meet with them one-on-one to talk more about their concerns. Their comments are likely to be more sincere and less inflammatory when they don’t have an audience of their peers. If they say, “My parents say the school is stupid to do this hybrid thing, and now we’re all going to get COVID,” don’t argue with them. Ask follow-up questions instead and try to get at the root of their fears. You might say, “Is that something you’re worried about?” Look for opportunities to assuage their concerns without being dishonest, whether you reference the school’s staggered schedule, mask policy, or enhanced cleaning regimens. Everyone has been on high alert for months now, and no one learns when they’re in a heightened state of anxiety. Adults need to help kids feel positive and secure so they can make a smooth transition back to school, no matter what school looks like.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
