Q: It feels like Groundhog Day, but with a twist. Here we are, starting school in a pandemic once again, and once again we’re being asked to put our health at risk. How is it possible that we’re as unprepared 18 months in as we were when COVID entered the picture? I believe kids should be in school, but I have so much anxiety about how my school is handling things. Yes, we will be masked. Yes, I am vaccinated. But students will be crammed into the cafeteria and eating lunch unmasked, when we know that puts everyone at risk of Delta breakthrough infections. Staff at my school take turns monitoring lunch, and I want to opt out of that duty. I wrote a reasonable note to my principal explaining that I have an unvaxxed kid at home who has asthma, and that this may be where I draw the line. I offered to pick up extra bus duties, or to do tutoring after school for kids who’ve fallen behind, or whatever else needs to be done (and can be done while masked). His response was a curt, “No, we can’t make one-off exceptions,” with no room for discussion. As background, we have had passive-aggressive clashes like this in the past, where I’m open about my concerns, and I ask lots of questions, and he does whatever he can to dismiss me quickly, before we have a real discussion. He won’t even attempt to reassure me. Often, he doesn’t respond at all. In the end, I not only feel shut down or ignored, I feel like a nuisance. It’s demoralizing and disrespectful. Is there a way around this lunch situation, and is there a way to change the dynamic I have with my principal, so I get better results next time?
A: You’re right that you have two separate issues. The first is a communication problem, and the second is a logistical one. The good news is that you’ve identified a pattern, and you can use that to try to solve the interpersonal misunderstandings. This is what seems to be happening: You get (understandably) anxious, so you pepper your principal with questions and/or requests. You need a lot of reassurance. You have an “approach” style when you’re scared, much like a student who asks their teacher for help before even trying to read the directions. Another student might be equally anxious, but instead of asking questions, they’ll leave to use the bathroom and won’t return until class ends. That’s an “avoidant” style, which seems to be your principal’s go-to style. And when two people fall at such different ends of the approach-avoidance spectrum, they need to find a way to meet in the middle.
Unfortunately, you can’t do anything about how he handles a situation, but you can adjust your own style, and that might lead him to react differently. For example, you could try jotting down your concerns in a notebook and consolidating your questions before asking him for clarification or special exceptions. You could also ditch email altogether and ask to meet in person at a time that works for him. Use that option sparingly, though, and take some time to reflect on what you need before you meet. Is it reassurance? More information? An accommodation? Be upfront about your goals so your principal isn’t left to guess. You don’t want him to be on guard, and the conversation is likely to be more satisfying if he knows what you need.
In terms of logistics, however, you’re putting your principal in an impossible situation. I’m sure you’re not the only person who would prefer to avoid unmasked masses in the cafeteria — or the only staff member with extenuating circumstances. But someone must monitor lunches, and the principal needs to be fair. His response may have felt clipped, but I can understand his frustration. He can’t solve this problem for you without creating work for some other staff member. You might have better luck if you leave him out of it entirely and approach one of your colleagues directly. Perhaps there is a teacher who is less concerned than you about the cafeteria, or who would rather have lunch duty than bus duty anyway. I know that none of this is simple or easy, and I wish you a smooth start to the year.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
