Q: I’ve taught Max twice, once when he was in sixth grade, and now again in eighth grade. (I moved up to teach eighth grade this year.) When I realized I’d be teaching Max for the second time, I hoped he would be more mature. In sixth grade, he would lie and then lie about lying. It didn’t matter if it was a big deal or a small deal. For example, he’d borrow my pen, lose it by accident, and then when I asked for it back would deny ever borrowing it. Toward the end of the year, he was making much bigger mistakes, like skipping class to do dumb stuff like throw pebbles at the tires of cars driving past our school. Anyway, no such luck. So far this year, Max has been extremely disruptive in class, and he’s still lying a lot. Last week, he stole someone else’s homework out of their binder, copied it answer-by-answer, and then put the other boy’s homework through the paper shredder in the teacher’s lounge to conceal evidence of his crime. The paper shredder! Max then shared what he’d done with a close friend of the student whose work he stole, which I think was his misguided attempt to impress that other boy. He embodies a mix of insecure and impulsive that isn’t working for him as either a student or a friend.
I know that time spent remote learning has interfered with students’ emotional growth, but I was hoping Max would have more integrity this time around. If anything, he seems emboldened to do more, and he’s also incredibly defensive. I know he’s always had a hard time making friends and done dumb stuff for attention and others’ approval, including mine, and I also know he finds school difficult. I can’t fix everything, and I certainly can’t tackle the bigger stuff like rock throwing, but how can I help Max ask me for help rather than cheat, and what is the best way to call him out when he does inevitably lie to me?
A: Max struggled before COVID with social interactions, accountability, and academics, so I’m not surprised that the pandemic has set him back further. This is a child who needed more, not fewer, opportunities to practice social skills and connect with peers and adults. He desperately wants others’ approval, but he has not yet learned how to connect rather than try to impress. He wants your approval, too, but it seems that he equates asking for help with admitting weakness and inviting disapproval. So where does that leave you? I’d continue to let an administrator handle misbehaviors like rock throwing and keep the focus on what you can do in your own classroom. Recognize that Max’s insecurity and his faulty assumptions are getting in his way — for instance, his belief that admitting weakness is bad and you’ll think less of him for needing help. Start by giving him a runway back to telling you the truth. For instance, you might say: “I’m guessing it’s hard for you to talk about this because you don’t want anyone to think less of you,” or “I’m guessing it’s hard to tell the truth when you’re afraid you’ll get in trouble, and I can appreciate that, but I want to help you, and I can’t unless you’re honest with me about where you’re struggling.” Make sure you’re feeling calm and centered when you speak to him, because he will interpret any irritation as rejection. He’s pushing you away for sure, but he needs warmth and positive regard to let down his defenses enough to trust you.
One way to start moving the dial is by asking him what he considers a successful day in your class, both academically and behaviorally. Work together to come up with one specific, measurable academic goal and one specific, measurable behavioral goal. When you see him working toward either of those goals, shower him with praise, regardless of how slowly he’s progressing. I also would go out of your way to praise him any time he admits he’s fallen behind or feels frustrated or confused. At the same time, be clear about your boundaries from the beginning. For instance, you might say something like, “I’ll never be upset with you for getting an answer wrong, and I would never judge a student for needing more time or more help. I became a teacher to help all kids, not just the ones who find school easy. If you’re dishonest or violate a school policy, however, then I’ll be obligated to share what happened with an administrator.” If he does make a mistake of that nature, stay calm and say something like, “Max, as we discussed when we met to come up with your goals for the year, this kind of situation calls for the principal’s involvement, but as soon as you take responsibility and make it right, we’re going to move past it. I know you’re capable of working hard and asking for the help you need, and you don’t need to take any shortcuts.” As you work with him, keep reassuring him that “forward is a pace” and you’re expecting “two steps forward, one step back.” You want him to maintain realistic expectations so he’s less likely to get discouraged and opt out of the plan you came up with entirely.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
