Q: I consider myself an empathetic person, and I genuinely like kids. But there is one 5th-grade student who is pushing all my buttons. I expected kids to come back after months of virtual learning with some behavioral and attentional deficits. I was prepared for them to have less stamina, maybe some anxiety or depression. I don’t need them to be perfect, or anything close to it. But this kid is relentlessly, obstinately, frustratingly negative. He does not smile. He won’t lift his pencil to do any work. He doesn’t even try to figure out what’s going on in class.
When I ask him where he’s stuck, he just shrugs and says he can’t do it. He won’t engage in conversation or accept my help. I don’t think he cares that he’s totally checked out. He won’t even talk about the fact that he’s checked out. If he told me directly that he was struggling, I might feel more empathetic, but this kid makes it really, really easy to dislike him and give up on him. I did call home and spoke with his mom, who is quite lovely, by the way. She is raising him alone and having a lot of the same issues with him as I am. In fact, she was on the verge of contacting me for help because he so often refuses to get out of bed in the morning, and because there is a lot of tension at home when it comes to getting him to school.
I spoke to the school social worker, who basically said this kid was known last year as Mr. Negative, though to a lesser degree when he was attending school online, and that I should just do the best I can with him. He has no learning disabilities that I know of, by the way, so this isn’t about him being able to understand the material. And I’m not interested in being told I should “focus on the relationship,” because trust me, that hasn’t worked. And I’m really good at that part of teaching. What is my next step here?
A: I can understand how difficult it is to feel a connection with a student who makes zero effort to engage with you or the material, but I’m struck by two of your comments. The first is your belief that you’d have an easier time feeling empathy for this boy if he straight-up told you that he’s struggling. I’d argue that he is telling you that he’s struggling, loudly and clearly. Behavior is communication, and his checked-out, flat, hopeless affect is, to me, a cry for help. He may be pushing you away, but he very much needs to feel that you care about him. I know that you asked me not to focus on the relationship piece, but I do want to underscore that the year has just started, and it’s far too early to conclude that your usual approach with kids won’t work. It may take a lot longer, though. Plus, you’re also navigating life mid-pandemic, so your reserves are probably down and your patience is likely thinner than usual.
Second, I’m struck by your belief that because the boy lacks a specific learning challenge, he’s feigning the inability to do the work. Many things can get in the way of a child’s ability to produce, including depression and anxiety. You mentioned that there’s a school social worker. You could introduce the boy’s mother — who was clear that she needs help — to that individual, who might be able to point her to appropriate community resources or make a referral to a therapist. This is going to take a team approach.
I wonder, too, if you’d feel less frustrated if you let go of the need to “like” him, and instead drew motivation from something else, such as the desire to see yourself as someone who always rises to a challenge, or by the desire to help this boy’s mother. I’d also try incorporating the concept of “unconditional positive regard.” According to the humanist psychologist Carl Rogers, that means showing him complete acceptance, regardless of what he says or does. In other words, your support doesn’t hinge on whether he can show enthusiasm for the material, perform well or model the “right” affect or behavior. You simply view him as an imperfect human being who is doing the best he can, meet him where he is, and never withhold warmth or affection. I recognize how challenging it can be to stick with a kid who never smiles or shows enthusiasm, but it’s not personal or willful, and I hope you won’t give up on him.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
