Q: Now that many of us reside in “Zoom world,” lots of teachers are wearing “Zoom clothes,” including me. Teachers aren’t known for dressing to the nines anyway, but there really seems to be no point in wearing dressy stuff to attend, say, an online team or staff meeting. I try to look presentable, of course, but I choose comfortable cotton fabrics and steer clear of things like button-down shirts, restrictive clothing or, God forbid, zipper pants. What is the point? When I’m teaching, this seems to be no issue at all. I’ve never had a parent say a word about my attire to my principal. Nor would I expect them to. My clothes are unremarkable, not fancy, and not sloppy. Like, a cotton sweater or long-sleeve T-shirt with corduroys. It’s not a big departure from how I’ve dressed over the last five years when I’ve been working in person.
Why am I giving you a lengthy description of my clothes? Because when I’m in meetings that include this one male teacher colleague, he comments repeatedly on what I’m wearing. He’ll say, “Oh look, Tori (not my real name) broke out a different pair of pajamas today!” Or, “Nice, Tori, I see you’ve got your Friday casual look going strong about four days early.” These are some of the tamer comments. Sometimes he says some pretty shocking stuff. One time he said, “Hey Tori, if you’re going to wear pajamas to a staff meeting, at least put a bra on underneath!” For the record, I was wearing a bra, and that was humiliating, especially since he said that in front of everyone. (It got real quiet in that Zoom room.) When we’re in person, this guy is awkward, and he has bad, I mean really bad, social skills. He once asked me if I wanted to go out, and I told him I didn’t date coworkers, and he barely spoke to me again in person. But when there’s a screen between us, he seems to be emboldened and acts out, or something. . . I don’t really know. My question is: Should I ask my principal if my clothing is unprofessional? And also, can I tell this guy to f*ck off in front of my colleagues? So far, I’ve just ignored him, but it’s not working, and it’s making me want to skip every meeting that includes him.
A: I wasn’t expecting you to lead with a question about your clothing choices. In fact, I expected your first question to include the phrase “sexual harassment,” because your colleague’s comment about your bra is far more concerning to me than whether you wear pajamas to work. It’s totally out of line, particularly since you rejected his request for a date. His social awkwardness and/or wounded pride is no excuse for nastiness and commenting on your body parts.
I don’t know what to make of your coworkers’ silence. Maybe they were shocked, or upset and frozen, or perhaps they didn’t want to make it worse for you in a group setting. Or it could be a case of bystander effect, which occurs when the presence of others discourages an individual from intervening when they see someone in distress. People are more likely to take action when few or no other witnesses are present. Regardless of the reason, their silence doesn’t mean his comments are acceptable.
If you can, speak up in the moment in front of everyone. Be assertive and firm. Make it clear that you won’t tolerate comments about your body or your attire — such comments are unwelcome and must stop. I also suggest you talk to your supervisor and document the specifics. You’re well within your rights to report him to human resources, too. According to the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission: “Although the law doesn’t prohibit simple teasing, offhand comments, or isolated incidents that are not very serious, harassment is illegal when it is so frequent or severe that it creates a hostile or offensive work environment or when it results in an adverse employment decision.” Verbal conduct of a sexual nature that interferes with your work performance or creates an intimidating, hostile or offensive work environment violates Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964.
I do want to get to your question about appropriate work attire, but first I want to be clear that I’m treating that as a completely separate issue. No matter what you wear on Zoom (or in the school building, for that matter), you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. That said, if you have nagging doubts about what you’re choosing to wear, act like an anthropologist. Be observant. Do your choices match the school’s culture and your colleagues’ level of formality? If you’re still unsure, seek a supervisor’s opinion. They can offer reassurance (or suggestions, if they have concerns). Based on your description of events, however, I’m pretty sure you have a colleague problem, not a clothing problem.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
