Q: I’m an assistant principal who supervises a teacher, let’s call her “Greta,” who rubs everyone up the wrong way. Greta homes in on conversations that don’t involve her and asks personal, rude, and prying questions. She has a problem for every solution. She’ll walk into classrooms uninvited and nag colleagues to use less paper or teach their lessons differently. I mean, she doesn’t supervise these teachers, and besides, can’t she worry about herself? Greta also sends all-school emails telling people they should “change their bulletin boards” or “tidy up,” or to ask if we can have more people supervising dismissal because she’s very concerned that students will get run over by a bus and we’ll get sued. It doesn’t matter that we have a policy that you can’t send all-school emails for stuff like that.
In short, Greta is a nosy, meddling tattler, and she’s driving everyone nuts, myself included. I’ve tried many times (to no avail) to get her to focus on herself and mind her own business, and I dread having yet another futile exchange with her. Plus, I know I’ll need to set aside more than an hour to get through the discussion with her. I am starting to wonder if she is neurodiverse because she misses many social cues. If I ask and she tells me she’s never been diagnosed, can I gently suggest she might want to look into that possibility, perhaps even get some social skills coaching? How can I help her (and thereby help all the people she’s irritating daily)? The staff is at their wit’s end, and I must field all their angry and annoyed emails after they interact with her. I do feel a little bad for Greta, especially if she’s on the spectrum, and I’m not ready to put her on a performance plan without first making another good-faith effort to help her turn this around.
A: I would not attempt to diagnose this teacher or make any comments about neurodiversity. You have no way of knowing if she’s neurodiverse, lonely, attention-seeking, or simply socially unskilled. Instead, focus on targeting specific, measurable, problematic behaviors. Start documenting teachers’ complaints as they come in so you can give her concrete examples. Don’t use vague phrases such as, “Everyone is at their wits’ end” or “you’re irritating people.” Instead, outline the offenses you’ve shared in your letter, such as misusing the all-school email to suggest policy changes, prying into others’ personal lives, or lecturing colleagues about conserving paper, tidying up, or updating their bulletin boards. Track incidents so you can give her a sense of how pervasive and chronic the problem is.
After you share your concerns with Greta, underscore that this isn’t the first time you’ve had to have this conversation. Ask her if she recognizes that she’s struggling and wants to change. Tell her that you want to help her and believe she can turn this around. You can try “operationalizing” more desirable behaviors. For instance, you could ask her to run any all-school emails by you before she hits “send” or tell her she can’t pop into other teachers’ classrooms unannounced. You also could request that she bring complaints to you rather than go directly to teachers. She could even keep a log of her concerns in a journal and share that with you periodically. It’s harder to put a stop to nosy questions, but you could role-play scenarios with her to demonstrate when a question or request is rude, blunt, or inappropriate. Be clear that she needs to change because her behaviors are negatively impacting colleagues. Make sure you also tell her what will happen if she doesn’t improve.
As you have the conversation, stay calm and listen attentively. Empathy will get you farther than anger. Greta might share, for instance, that she feels like she has no friends at work, that she wishes people would listen to her more, or that she feels bad about herself. Depending on what she reveals, you can experiment with possible solutions, such as giving her a specific role or responsibility in the building or scheduling a regular (time-limited) lunch meeting. But if Greta overstays her welcome or launches into a monologue during one of those lunches, be firm, tell her that you need to attend to other things, and excuse yourself.
This problem won’t be solved overnight, so coach her colleagues, too. Reassure them that you’re working on the issue and urge them to reply to Greta’s requests and inappropriate questions with a simple “thanks for the suggestion” or “that’s personal.” And resist the urge to trash talk her to other staff members, no matter how much she annoys you. That will not only make it harder for Greta to turn things around but also make you look unprofessional.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
