Career Confidential is on summer break. This column originally ran in March 2021.
Q: As a principal, I often have to give unwelcome or disappointing news, and I typically try to soften the blow. Here are some examples: Let’s say I have to make decisions about staffing allocations. When I cut a position, I’ll tell that teacher I had no choice when in reality I had some discretion. Or I may tell a teacher I had no input on ADA accommodations, when in truth I offered more flexibility to another teacher with the same risk factors. (I asked that teacher to keep it to themselves). Or a teacher may ask me to agitate for a policy change at the district level, and I don’t want to expend the political capital, so I’ll say “sure” and then do nothing. Or they might invite me to their child’s wedding or ask me to come see them perform in a local theatre production, and if I don’t want to go, I’ll agree, but then have a “last-minute emergency.” Or they’ll ask me to talk to a parent who they feel has treated them disrespectfully, and if I think the teacher is being oversensitive, I’ll say “yes,” then “forget” to follow through. Or if a teacher asks me to mediate a dispute with another staff member, I might say my policy is that teachers need to try to work it out themselves. But the truth is I have no such “policy,” and I will intervene if I think I’ll lose a valued staff member if I don’t. My motive, in general, is to spare teachers’ feelings, but also to conserve my own energy. I can’t do everything and be everywhere. I have no idea if other principals make these same kinds of choices, but I’m guessing it’s a pretty common form of self-preservation. Anyway, I’m wondering where the line is between protecting others’ feelings and just being a liar or a jerk. This isn’t something I can publicly admit, obviously, as I’m aware of how bad it makes me sound.
A: I want to start by challenging some of your assumptions. First, your behavior probably isn’t softening the blow. Most staff members won’t push back on your assertions, even if they think you’re lying. After all, you’re their supervisor. But when you treat staff differently, they notice the inconsistencies and favoritism. They know when they’re being gaslighted, too.
I’m not saying you have to be 100% honest all of the time. We would kill one another if we always told the unvarnished truth. You’re not going to tell a staff member that you chose to cut their job or ignore their ADA requests because you value someone else more. And you’re not going to tell a teacher that you’d rather swim in polluted water than watch them act in a local production of Hamlet. But if you tell them you have no control over staffing or accommodations when it’s plain that you do, you’ll come across as untrustworthy. It would be better to simply say you had to make some hard but imperfect choices, and that you’ll do what you can to help them.
Similarly, if you tell a teacher you plan to attend an event but know you will back out at the last minute, all you’re doing is setting them up more disappointment than if you declined the invitation at the outset. Now, in addition to feeling deflated because they had expected and wanted your presence, that staff member will suspect you never intended to come. People are more perceptive than you think. I think you’re underestimating people’s capacity for empathy, too. If you explained, for example, that you’d been working crazy hours and need to use your weekends to decompress and preserve your mental health, not only will teachers be likely to understand, but they’ll be less likely to personalize your choice.
Similarly, in the case of the staff member who wants you to agitate for a policy change, you might say something like, “I understand your concerns, but I’m trying to be intentional about how often I push back on district policies. I’d be happy, though, to connect you with the people who are making these decisions.” To the sensitive teacher who feels a parent is being rude, you might say, “I don’t think this requires my involvement yet, but we can reevaluate if this continues.”
From the examples you shared, it seems you’re dishonest to spare people’s feelings and avoid conflict. But when your default mode is deception, people are going to stop believing your lies, and you won’t end up sparing anyone’s feelings. In addition, when you lie to avoid conflict, you might even make the situation worse. Take the example of the two feuding staff members. If they see you intervene to help others while ignoring their dispute, they’ll not only be angry with one another, they’ll become frustrated with you. Strive for consistency and honesty (within reason) — not just because it’s the right thing to do, but because you’ll get better results.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
