Q: I’m a principal, which means that no two days look the same. The only constant is that I’m chronically overextended and harried. That can make it difficult to support my staff the way I’d like to support them. Helping teachers grow and explore passion projects and navigate professional (or personal) challenges is one of the most fulfilling parts of my job. I love to say yes! I have a hard time saying no to anyone, but it’s a necessity. For instance, one of my strongest teachers added a series of fun, innovative lessons to the science curriculum and asked me to observe her teaching the new unit. I’m thrilled she took the initiative to enhance an admittedly lackluster curriculum, but this would require weeks of daily visits, and I simply don’t have the time. 

I get myself in trouble in one of two ways. Either I say “yes,” underdeliver, and end up disappointing someone, or I say “no” and inadvertently offend them. My goal is to be transparent and honest. I want teachers to understand that I value their contributions and that it’s not personal. I might say something like, “I’d love to help but have to say no because I’m too over-extended.” I feel like that’s pretty benign, yet this is the exact kind of comment that rankles the staff. How can I soften the message while still saying “no”?

A: One option is to try saying no by saying yes. This isn’t just about semantics. The idea is to be positive and constructive in a way that aligns with your personal boundaries. In other words, rather than outright reject a staff member’s request, reframe the conversation to focus on what you can offer given the constraints. As a bonus, if you’re not perceived as dismissive or unappreciative, you may get a better reaction.

Rather than outright reject a staff member’s request, reframe the conversation to focus on what you can offer.

What does this approach look like in practice? Let’s use the scenario you shared — a teacher wants you to observe them teaching a new unit over the course of a few weeks. You don’t have the extra hour to do that daily for an extended period of time, and your schedule is too unpredictable to be able to show up consistently. Rather than say “I wish I could, but I’m too overextended,” you might say something like, “I’d love to see what you’ve come up with — it sounds terrific! What I can do is . . .” How you fill in that blank is up to you. Maybe you say you’ll try to pop in a couple of times when your schedule permits, or perhaps you suggest that you meet at the end of the unit so she can tell you how it went, or maybe you ask her to invite you to the lesson she thinks is most representative of the unit. The idea is to focus on what you can do rather than what you can’t do, and to only make promises if you know you can follow through. They may not like the compromise you suggest, but the message might land better.

Depending on the scenario, you can tweak the language. If you can’t take full responsibility for a task, for instance, you might say, “I can offer guidance and support as you lead the effort. Would that be helpful?” If you’re overextended, you can offer to make an introduction to someone who might be in a better position to help — or suggest other available resources. If the timeline is the issue, you might say something like, “I can commit to this, but it will need to happen after [X date]. Does that work for you?”

There’s no way to please everyone, but that’s just it. I’d argue that it’s better to turn down a request kindly than to promise to show up for someone but then flake or provide a last-minute excuse. With this approach, you can keep it real while conveying respect and protecting your own boundaries.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Phyllis L. Fagell

Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.