Teacher seeks help in dealing with ‘mean girl’ administrator

Q:  I teach in a large public middle school. There’s a new administrator in our building — though not my direct supervisor — who’s the definition of a “mean girl.” She has a select clique of teachers with whom she socializes outside of school, employs to give private sports coaching to her children, etc. She makes it very clear which staff members she likes and dislikes; unfortunately, I am not one of the chosen ones. She employs many of the same microaggressive tactics used by teens to bully each other — for example, she will be chatty and upbeat when talking to certain teachers, but when someone she doesn’t like walks in the room, she will become cold and unfriendly. This is just one of the unpleasant behaviors she exhibits on a daily basis. Since her behavior is mostly a series of microaggressions (and nothing truly egregious), I’m not in a position where I have anything substantial to report about her to our principal or higher. I’m stuck tolerating her as a workplace mini-bully. How do I change my mind-set to not let her unpleasant demeanor impact my job performance? 

A: Some people never outgrow those behaviors, while others don’t act out until they obtain a bit of power. Either way, it’s ironic that this administrator is cliquey in a middle school, where modeling inclusivity is especially important. Engaging in behavior for ephemeral status is shortsighted. Power dynamics can shift, and there’s a psychic cost to meanness even when there are social benefits. Secure people don’t demean others and are more likely to forge durable, reciprocal relationships.  

But while that may be validating, it doesn’t answer your question. You want to change your mind-set so her coldness doesn’t impact your performance. Let’s start from the inside out. Ask yourself, why is this hitting a nerve? Does it trigger old insecurities? Do you feel belittled in front of your colleagues? Has someone treated you this way in the past? You won’t find a good solution unless you identify the right problem. Your pain could be a signal that you need to cast a broader social net at work, spend more time with friends outside of the school or challenge your own thinking.