Q: I’m a department chair who has to attend monthly training meetings with the other department chairs in my district. Our instructional specialist leads these meetings, which are required, and he typically uses them to talk about things like positive leadership and how we can motivate and train the other teachers in our department. Here’s the irony. One of my colleagues from another school is a complete sourpuss. She shows up at every single meeting with a frown on her face. She’s a downer from the moment she walks into the room, and it affects everyone. I call her “The Negativity Bomb.” She challenges the specialist no matter what initiative or idea he suggests. Frankly, I feel a little embarrassed and protective of the specialist, who is tasked with an enormous job and who is asking us to implement stuff that mostly originates with other people to whom he has to report. I’m afraid my fellow department chair is going to drive this guy out. It’s a pretty thankless job, and I’m so happy that someone competent is finally holding the position. I’m also at a point in my career where I don’t have time for negativity. I don’t have the patience for it. I want to do my job and enjoy it, and I want HER to change her outlook, too. How can I nip her behavior in the bud and put a protective shield around myself?
A: I’ll start by stating the obvious. Don’t sit by her. Be polite and greet her with a smile, but keep moving. You don’t have to engage in prolonged conversation. Interact with colleagues who bring you joy. But I think this is a deceptively simple question. If you were solely concerned about emotion contagion, you wouldn’t be this bothered by a woman you see once a month, max. I’m guessing she strikes a nerve because you’ve made an intentional choice to be positive, and her chronic griping flies in the face of your values. She represents every negative person you’ve dealt with in your career, and that makes her a trigger.
The bad news is that you have no control over how she acts. But if you’re willing to have a courageous conversation, you may be able to encourage some reflection. Start from a place of curiosity and use phrases such as, “I wonder.” You might say, “I wonder if you realize you’re coming across as pretty unhappy these days. I’m worried you might be suffering from burnout.” Or, “I’m wondering if you realize how often your negative feelings leak out. I’m really concerned about you.”
Try to spur some proactive problem solving. When people complain, they think they’re taking decisive action, but they’re actually just spinning their wheels. They’re also bringing themselves down along with everyone else. If you have a decent relationship and are comfortable being vulnerable, you could tell her about a time when you felt or behaved similarly. If you go that route, share what you did to feel better, whether you sought therapy or took time off. You also could point out that you prioritize self-care out of a sense of responsibility: You understand that leaders set the tone and climate for their department. She’ll be less likely to get defensive if you make it about you. Still, being this direct carries some risk, so only try this approach if you can come from a place of care rather than criticism. If you want more emotional distance, you could say, “As a fellow leader, I can see you’re not in a good place. How can I support you?”
As for the instructional specialist, it’s noble that you’d like to protect him, but he’s not your responsibility. You can offer him support, whether you volunteer to lead a session on positive leadership or attempt to change the tenor of a meeting. That might mean politely poking holes in the complainer’s concerns, offering an alternative perspective, or attempting to engage her in constructive problem solving. At all times, model positivity for your colleagues. And at the end of a contentious group discussion, check in with the specialist and ask him if he’s OK. That gesture alone will allay some of his stress and make it clear that the woman doesn’t speak for everyone.
I’ll end on a more philosophical note. Negativity tends to proliferate when people feel disempowered or stuck, so reassure your colleague that she can switch things up at any point in her life, and that the greatest growth can come from rough or messy patches.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
