Q: I started out as a teacher’s aide when I was still in college many moons ago. Since then, I’ve been a teacher, department chair, instructional specialist, assistant principal and, most recently, a principal, all in a big suburban school system. I was promoted at the beginning of the pandemic from assistant principal (AP) to principal of a (different) high school in the same county where I’d always worked.
Throughout my career, I have been respected and well-liked and seen as a hard-working educator. Last year, however, I unraveled. I think the stress and exhaustion caught up to me. I checked out, made mistakes, and started misusing drugs to prop up my energy. It all happened so quickly. When I started to miss work, several staff members called my supervisor to say they were concerned about my “stability, mental health, and reliability.” I know the whole community was gossiping about me, to the point that my supervisor made me take time off and get help. If I refused, I would have been fired. I got help and eventually got healthy, but it was too little too late. While I wasn’t fired, I lost my position and was moved out of my school. This year, I’m back to being an AP in a high school.
I wish I had taken leave instead of “breaking down” and getting a demotion. I wish I could make it all go away, but I can’t turn back the clock. Is it too late to restore my reputation and get a principalship again? While I understand why I’m in the position I’m in, and I know it’s my own fault, it’s hard to be an AP again and lose decision-making authority. Also, is there anything I can do to prove to others that I’m stable, reliable, and in good mental health? Word got around fast, and although I’m ashamed of my behavior, I feel like I deserve a second chance. I was a good leader before things went very wrong.
A: I’m happy to hear that you’re doing better now. Like all principals, you’ve witnessed and experienced a great deal of trauma during the pandemic. You can’t change the past, but you can learn and grow from the experience. And as long as you’re breathing, you can take steps to restore your reputation. That said, your reputation is somewhat out of your control. You can’t micromanage what others think of you, but you can control your own behavior. Rather than focusing on chasing down or refuting rumors, you can do your new job well and make decisions that are in accordance with your values. Over time, you’ll prove to colleagues that you’re trustworthy, hard-working and responsive.
Rather than focusing on chasing down or refuting rumors, you can do your new job well and make decisions that are in accordance with your values.
The good and bad news is that every educator has experienced trauma during the pandemic. That means that many of your colleagues — particularly those who know and respect you — are likely to empathize with you. Yes, some people may be critical, resentful, curious, skeptical, or judgmental, but you get to decide how, when, and if you want to respond to them. You have many options, from being forthright and direct, to saying the last job was a bad fit, to telling people you’d rather not talk about it. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Plus, you have limited bandwidth, and it’s important to preserve your peace. That said, if you decide to be transparent, it might tamp down your shame. As Brene Brown noted in her TED Talk, “shame needs secrecy, silence, and judgment to grow.” Regardless of what you say or to whom, stay calm. If you aren’t overly reactive or defensive, people will be less likely to talk about it.
You don’t mention whether you’re still seeing a mental health professional, but I recommend ongoing therapy. You’ve been through an ordeal, and you’ll increase the odds that you’ll reach your goals if you take the time to reflect on what happened, deal with disappointment and shame, learn better ways to cope with stress, and discuss new challenges that arise at work. Hopefully you’ll never have to lead a school through a pandemic again, but schools can be stressful places in ordinary times.
I’m sure it’s hard to see an upside to the demotion, but try to reframe the incident in your mind. Can you see any positives in having less pressure and responsibility? Has the experience given you a chance to reflect on what matters to you or to spend more time with family? Has it clarified who you can count on and trust? Are you more likely to ask for help the next time you “break down?” Do you feel better equipped to identify and support struggling staff members? As you rebuild your reputation, you’re going to need to come to terms with what happened, accept it and learn from it so you can move on. If you want to be a principal again, you’re going to have to focus on the present and being a good AP rather than getting stuck in the past.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
