Q: I teach a colleague’s 8th-grade son. She’s someone I like and consider a work friend. We get along well and make a point of inquiring about each other’s families and personal lives. I know she’s a single mom, too, so she’s balancing a lot. Here’s the problem. Her son is struggling daily. He storms out of the room or throws things whenever he gets frustrated, which is often, as he reads at about a 4th-grade level. He also is disrespectful to me and his classmates. But when I talk to my colleague about requesting a team meeting or getting him evaluated or adding any additional outside supports, she reacts with anger. She feels like, as her colleague and friend, I should “keep it between us.” She sees me as the one adult at school who can preserve her son’s reputation. I have explained to her that despite my best efforts, I haven’t been able to help him. I have told her that I believe that doing so will require getting more support from other professionals. I haven’t gotten our administration involved yet because I know she will see that as turning on her, but I really need more help. Her son is not doing well, and my own stress level is through the roof. It’s also unfair to the other students if we ignore this for the rest of the year. Any advice?
A: Let me present a different challenge — one that many middle schoolers confront. Imagine that an 8th grader’s friend tells them that they’re thinking about hurting themselves, then makes them swear not to tell anyone. The recipient of this troubling information is likely to feel conflicted. They might hesitate to violate the friend’s confidentiality and try to help them themselves. At the same time, they’re likely to worry about their friend’s safety. As an adult observer, it’s easy for us to recognize that no friend should promise to keep this kind of secret — that they not only can’t help their suffering friend, but also may prevent them from getting the kind of specialized help they need. In this scenario, we might advise a child to tell their friend: “That sounds really hard. Are you talking to an adult about it? Do you want me to help you share your story with someone who can help you?” We would reassure the student that violating their friend’s confidentiality is being a good friend, even if it feels like a betrayal in the short run.
You can explain to her that you care too much about both her and her son to let him continue to struggle and fall behind.
That doesn’t mean you have to go behind your colleague’s back. You can explain to her that you care too much about both her and her son to let him continue to struggle and fall behind. You also can be clear about the steps you intend to take to support him.
As you relay your ideas, try to give her some element of control. For instance, is there a particular counselor, learning specialist, or administrator she’d like you to consult first? Would she like to accompany you when you talk to other professionals in the building about his academic and behavioral needs? If you plan to document his behavior, would she like you to share your observations with her on a weekly basis? Would she prefer that you contact her after school hours so she isn’t distracted from her own work? Does she prefer a phone call — or maybe an email so she can process the information alone first? In other words, it’s possible to do whatever you think is best for your student while being mindful of his mother’s role and your personal relationship with her.
As you have these conversations, listen carefully and try to identify your colleague’s underlying concerns. For instance, is she afraid you’ll judge her? Or that you’ll share your irritation with her son with others in the building? Try to tamp down her fears and normalize her child’s struggles. She’s a teacher, but she’s also a mom. Use the same strategies you’d use when having a difficult conversation with any other parent, whether or not they work with you.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
