Q: My school’s principal is too nice to students who mess up. He’s not their friend, but he seems to think he is! While that’s not a problem, and maybe even a plus if he’s greeting them in the bus lane before school or cheering them on at a game, it makes me want to pull my hair out when he acts all buddy buddy with a kid who just wrote on a desk or is repeatedly disrupting my lessons. More often than not, a kid I send down will come back smirking because he knows he just got away with it all. That’s because the principal jokes around with misbehaving students. At most, I think he just tells them to cut it out. Kids learn that they can get away with disrespectful and damaging behavior. Without accountability, it’s rinse and repeat. Arrrgggghhh.
As a teacher, there’s only so much I can do. When I’ve asked the principal to come down harder on students who wreak havoc, he yesses me to death but nothing changes. To be clear, I do not send him students very often. I have experience and strong classroom management skills. But I also have, give or take, 30 students in my room at a time. Maybe I’m doing a poor job communicating with him, or perhaps he’s the one who needs professional development! I don’t think he’s trying to torment me. He’s a nice guy and a people-pleaser. He’s on the younger side and is a new-ish principal. How can I get the help I need from him, or at least get more support than I’m getting?
A: I’m guessing your principal is being genuine when he tells you that he’ll change his approach. It certainly doesn’t sound like he’s trying to antagonize you, and you’ll get better results if you assume he wants to support you but may not know how. That said, something is getting in his way. Maybe he simply wants kids to like him, or maybe — as you suggested — he needs more training himself. Either way, why not have a solution-oriented conversation with him?
You’ll get better results if you assume he wants to support you but may not know how.
Find a time when you can talk to him privately without interruptions. Start by validating his desire to have strong, friendly relationships with students, and affirm that you believe he wants to support you and other teachers. Then share the evidence that his message doesn’t seem to be having the desired effect, at least with some of your students. For instance, “exhibit A” is that kids come back smirking and continue to engage in the same disruptive, disrespectful behaviors. As you share specifics with him, explain how it’s affecting your classroom. Keep in mind that you’re assuming he’s being too lenient. It’s possible that he’s imposed consequences that haven’t deterred some students. What works with one kid may not work with another, so offer to problem-solve together. You spend far more time with these students and can share your insights. He may share that he’s constrained by school policies, so clarify the rules and guidelines and be open to his suggestions.
In addition to meeting with the principal, talk to colleagues who teach the same students you’ve had to repeatedly refer to the main office. They may offer helpful suggestions. Alternatively, they may be experiencing the same frustrations. If you think it would be helpful, you could meet with the principal together to collectively identify potential solutions.
The goal isn’t to prove the principal “wrong”; it’s to find common ground and have a constructive dialogue. That requires adopting a stance of curiosity rather than judgment. Seek to understand his approach and perspective and help him understand your point of view. After you meet, send him an email documenting your conversation and any action items, and thank him for listening to your concerns. If you still get nowhere, continue to document problematic behaviors and reach out to others who might be able to help you, such as your department chair or another school leader. Based on your description of the principal as a “nice guy” and a “people-pleaser,” however, I think he’s simply inexperienced and will be open to concrete suggestions that could ease your frustration.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
