Q: I just got a job offer after being home with my kids for several years. It’s a long-term sub position for now, but I was told the school will guarantee me a full-time teaching position for next year, which is what I want. Anyway, I got into a big fight with my husband when I told him I plan to turn the job down. He thinks my reason is stupid. I told him I don’t want to work for a principal who doesn’t have kids. Going back to work is going to be a big change and hard enough for me, and I want to work for someone who will be empathetic and understanding. I don’t think a principal who doesn’t have children of their own could relate to the challenges facing a working mother. Plus, I don’t think they could solve problems involving students or relate to families nearly as well as a principal who has kids. So, I’m afraid I’m not going to have much respect for them as a leader.
My husband pretty much flipped out on me because it’s taken me a long time (OK, a very long time) to get this job, and we could really use the money, like, yesterday. He thinks I’m looking for any excuse not to go back to work, but I swear that’s not it! Yes, it will be hard to get back in the swing of things, but I’m ready to get back into teaching. I do want to make sure I choose the right job, though, and I think the principal I work for is going to matter a lot. Can you help us settle this debate? Do you think a principal who isn’t a parent can be as good at their job as one who is? Am I being unreasonable? Do you think I should take the job anyway?
A: I’ll start by answering the broader question. You ask whether a principal who doesn’t have kids can be as effective as one who is a parent. My short answer is an unequivocal “yes.” Everyone brings different life, work, and educational experiences to the table, as well as different personality traits, strengths, and weaknesses.
Here’s an example. Let’s say Principal A isn’t a parent but has worked with thousands of children as a teacher, coach, and administrator. Principal B, on the other hand, is a brand-new principal who happens to have a newborn. Is Principal B automatically going to be a better administrator simply because they’ve been a parent for a couple months? Or let’s say the school is in a community where the majority of families speak Spanish at home. The principal who has children, but only speaks English, probably isn’t going to be a better fit than the Spanish-speaking principal who doesn’t have kids.
Remember, too, that principals don’t learn the bulk of their skills at home. Their experiences with their own children might help them connect with some parents some of the time, and might inform some of their decisions, but every student is going to have different needs. If a principal’s own kids don’t have learning issues, for instance, then parenting isn’t going to help them guide families through the special education identification process.
You also mention that you think principals without kids are going to have a harder time empathizing with working parents. I’m going to challenge you on this point, too. We’re now wading into the realm of soft skills. A principal who is a parent can have a great deal of — or very little — emotional intelligence, and the same is true for a principal who isn’t a parent.
Which brings me to your question of whether you should work for this particular principal and accept this particular job. Rather than make assumptions, start asking questions. You already have the offer, so zero in in on your specific concerns. Are you wondering about the leave policy? Or what happens if your kids are sick? Are you worried you’ll be asked to coach a team or attend events when you don’t have childcare? As you ask more targeted questions, I bet you’ll start to get a feel for the principal’s overall attitude and philosophy.
It’s normal to have anxiety about returning to work. It’s undoubtedly going to be a big change. Consider taking some of the pressure off yourself. Yes, the school has promised you a full-time job down the road, but you don’t have to take it. At the moment, you only have to commit to teaching for the remainder of this school year. That would give you time to determine whether it’s a good fit. In the meantime, you’d bring in extra income and ease the financial pressure that both you and your husband are feeling.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
