Q: I’m a middle school teacher, and one of my students is always looking to get a rise out of me. Nate (not his real name) will yell out in the middle of my lesson that someone “needs a diaper change” because it smells in the classroom, or ask me to repeat something about 20 times in a row when I know he heard me the first or second time. Last week, he wanted to borrow my stapler, and I told him to wait because I was clearly in the middle of using it. He started to grab it anyway, so I instinctively grabbed his wrist and told him to put it down. He yelled “Owwww” really loudly, then said, “Let go of me, you’re KILLING me.” OK, let’s be real. I’m a small woman, I’m not that strong, and I wasn’t that rough. I will admit to you, though, that I gave his wrist a good squeeze. I only wanted him to let go of the stapler. I thought that was the end of it, but then the next day my principal stopped me in the hall to tell me Nate had gone home and complained to his parents that I hurt him. They then called the principal all ticked off and demanded that he formally reprimand me. The principal told me all of this over email and asked me to meet with him. I’m not yet sure what I’m going to say, to be honest. I don’t want to lose my job over something so stupid, so I’m tempted to just say he’s lying. I mean, he IS exaggerating a ton. He has a bad reputation and is known for being provocative, too. I think that downplaying the incident might be my best course of action, but I want your unbiased opinion. What’s your advice for me?
A: My advice is to be honest about what happened, express remorse, and apologize to your student. I understand your temptation to downplay what happened, but it’s best to come clean and make amends. There are ethical, interpersonal, and practical reasons to tell the truth. Let’s start with the ethical and interpersonal. I’m assuming you want to set a positive example, and good people take responsibility for their mistakes. Lying will damage your relationship with your student and his parents, and possibly with your principal as well. The truth has a way of coming out, and you’ll lose your principal’s trust along with your credibility if he gets a gut sense that you’re hiding something from him. Your other students will take note of your lack of accountability, too.
Now let’s turn to the practical. Nate yelped in pain in front of witnesses. What if someone (or several students) corroborate his story? What if the interaction was taped? What if he develops a bruise where you squeezed him? Your school is going to need to call Child Protective Services, and they’ll investigate if squeezing his wrist left a mark. Even if CPS doesn’t get involved, your compliance unit will investigate the situation. They may do their own investigation or instruct your school to conduct one. You would be lying because you fear the consequences, but the consequences could be worse if your dishonesty is exposed.
Let’s talk about the possible consequences. I consulted with a compliance specialist about your dilemma, and she also advises you to tell the truth and do what you can to remedy the situation. If this is a first offense, she suspects your district would send you a memo that reminds you to not put your hands on children. You also might be given information about available resources relating to classroom management, instructional strategies or counseling. If the same thing happened again, you’d likely get a formal reprimand with a directive to never put your hands on kids — even casually — because there’s too much risk your actions could be misinterpreted or things could go wrong. You might even get a second reprimand before your system decided to fire you. In other words, there’s little risk you’d be fired or even formally reprimanded for a first offense of this nature. Honesty is always the best policy in general, but in this case it’s also likely to yield the best outcome for you. So my advice is to admit what happened, learn from it, and do better going forward.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
