Q: I’m a teacher, and I bet you get a lot of letters from teachers who are sick of hearing colleagues complain. I have a different issue. I’m sick of fielding parent complaints about things that are out of my control. They don’t like the curriculum . . . or that kids don’t have recess after elementary school . . . or that the system plans to redistrict . . . or that admin won’t take teacher requests . . . or that the method for admitting kids to magnet programs is unfair. These are examples of what I call “zoom out” complaints. They’re about decisions made far beyond the walls of my school. Clearly, I have nothing to do with those! Then there are the “zoom in” complaints, when parents get super granular. These tirades concern stuff that are equally out of my control but relate specifically to my school. Some examples: The server in the lunchroom was rude to my child . . . or building services missed a patch of snow and someone could have broken their leg . . . or I don’t like the field trip the Spanish teacher planned . . . or the principal’s newsletters don’t include announcements about mid-year personnel changes. And so on. Leaving aside my fascination with people who have time to worry about all sorts of things that have little to no impact on their lives, I consistently have the same response: No matter what they say to me, I personalize it. I feel blamed, like I need to come up with some kind of explanation or suggestion or rationalization. Or I feel compelled to defend colleagues who can’t explain their choices themselves. Anyway, it’s just become so tiresome. It’s a small group of people, but they’re seriously irritating! Please help me shut these conversations down or at least suppress my emotional response.
A: My guess is that these parents consider complaining to be a productive form of conversation. In fact, they probably think they’re bonding with you! I think they’d be surprised to hear that you feel targeted, let alone responsible for fixing the problems they’ve identified. It’s quite possible they lack social skills and don’t know any other way to relate to you, and I’m sure they’re turning off other educators and parents. Complaining can become habitual, and no one enjoys relentless negativity. So what can you do?
Start by modeling more prosocial behavior. Try to initiate conversation when they approach. Ask them questions, such as “Where did you grow up? What was your favorite part of school? What were you like when you were your child’s age?” If they pummel you with negativity despite your efforts, try flipping the narrative. For instance, if they complain about the curriculum, you could say, “That’s out of my control, but let me tell you about a cool thing we did in class today.” If they complain about one of your colleagues, you could respond, “I have tremendous respect for Ms./Mr. X.” If they say, “The lunch attendant was rude to my child,” you could respond, “Well, we all have good and bad days.” Or simply say, “Rhonda, I’ve noticed you have a lot of concerns that are out of my wheelhouse. I’d contact the Board of Education or the superintendent’s office.”
You can limit your interactions, too. If they corner you, have an excuse at hand, whether you have another meeting or need to teach a class. If they want to set up a time to meet in person, designate a clear end time and adhere to it. If necessary, ask someone to pop in and rescue you. And don’t feel defensive or responsible for any of the real or imagined problems they bring to your attention. As you noted, you didn’t create them and you can’t fix them. Instead, consider these interactions evidence of their social skills deficit and leverage their desire to connect with you. Reward any positivity with animated engagement. But when they’re negative, either offer a different perspective, change the topic entirely or stick to clipped, flat, and unsatisfying responses.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
