Q: I can no longer count the number of times I’ve helped students deal with cyberbullying in my capacity as a middle school principal, but this is the first time I’ve experienced it firsthand. I suppose I haven’t appreciated how fortunate I’ve been that parents generally treat me with respect, even when we disagree. Then came COVID, and the level of civility in my community went downhill fast. I’m not easily intimidated and can deal with someone losing their temper to my face, even calling me names, but I have no idea what to do about this one man — the father of one of my eighth-grade students — who has taken to Twitter on many an occasion to rip me to shreds.
Initially, I did what I typically advise students to do. I ignored him, but that has had no effect. If I tweet appreciation for my teachers, he will retweet my post with a snarky comment about how he’s glad I’m grateful for a bunch of “good-for-nothings” who spent a year lounging in their pajamas. If I thank the PTSA for organizing a brunch for my staff, he’ll reply with a comment about how it must be nice to sit around eating donuts while students are getting treated for mental health problems that resulted from our negligence. If he’s mad about students getting quarantined, he’ll go straight to insults. He’ll make a dig about my intelligence in a new tweet and tag my supervisors. If he sees an article that contradicts something I’ve said or done, he’ll tweet, “Feeling dumb yet, Mr. Principal?” Over time, his abuse has made me angrier and angrier, but my district explicitly tells administrators that we can’t block people from our public account or delete offensive replies, so for now I just have stopped tweeting at all. My hope was that if it appears that I’m no longer online, he’d lose his enthusiasm for this public shaming campaign. Sadly, no such luck. We have been in school for just over a week, and this guy is still insulting me online. I think he’s seriously unhinged, but he’s in MY community. What would you advise me to do?
A: I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It’s no wonder you’ve had to deal with this countless times with your students; clearly, some are learning this behavior at home. I’m surprised, however, that you’re explicitly discouraged from blocking individuals who target you online. That’s not good for your mental health, and your employer should prioritize your well-being over that of online trolls, particularly right now.
For advice, I reached out to Sameer Hinduja, co-director of the Cyberbullying Research Center (cyberbullying.org) and editor-in-chief of the International Journal of Bullying Prevention. He suggests that you respond once to this father to convey that you hear his concerns — but then, do not reply again. As Hinduja points out, it’s not productive to continue to engage with someone who repeatedly denigrates you online. He recommends saying something like: “I appreciate your opinion and will take it into consideration, along with the opinions of the many highly trained experts, practitioners, and scientists whose input is used to guide the decisions I make for the well-being of our entire community. Feel free to schedule a meeting if you’d like to civilly discuss this further.” He points out that you’ll never satisfy this person because he’s “acting irrationally and is not open to respecting [your] authority.” In fact, Hinduja notes that he’s attempting to engage in “mobbing” by tagging other people in an effort to gang up on you.
As helpless as you may feel, however, recognize that this behavior reflects poorly on this man, not on you, and you should not feel pressured into silence. And while school administrators are often considered public officials in the eyes of the law and are freely subject to public criticism, both online and offline, Hinduja adds that “when the criticism devolves into threats (e.g., criminal actions) or defamation of character (e.g., civil actions), a line is crossed and other authorities can and must get involved.”
So as hard as it may be, respond respectfully, honestly, and considerately one time only, then try to put this man out of your mind so you can focus on the important work you’re doing.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
