Q: I’m a male principal. One of the teachers in our school’s English department is a young woman in her early twenties. She curses all the time. It’s unbelievable. She also once accidentally texted the entire admin team while out drinking. The text was along the lines of “How the f*&k are y’all doing?” Followed by a bunch of emojis. She was mortified and sent a follow-up text the next morning to apologize, but who does that? I just let it go and didn’t respond. What was I going to say? She also doesn’t dress professionally. She’ll wear flip-flops and spaghetti strap sundresses that show bra straps. She’s really doing a number on her own reputation, and Lord knows what she’s saying to parents. Somewhat miraculously, I’ve gotten no complaints from them. She’s a dynamic, energetic, and promising teacher, but she’s kind of a train wreck. She’s also violating school policies. I’m a dad myself, and my own daughter is 23 — almost the same exact age. I’m more interested in helping her than disciplining her, though I clearly need to be a supervisor here. Ten years ago, I don’t think I’d have hesitated to have this conversation, but now I’m apprehensive. The whole #MeToo movement, which I support, has made me think twice about approaching young women about sensitive issues involving clothing or behavior. Am I overthinking this? Should I foist this fun job on a woman? That seems like a cop-out, and no women supervise her. The department chair is a man who’s willing to talk to her, but only if I’m present. Two men approaching her at once seems even worse to me.
A: I can understand why you’re apprehensive about this, but there are parts of this equation that aren’t gender-specific. Anyone can swear, and it’s inappropriate and unprofessional whether you’re a 50-year-old man or a 25-year-old woman. Plus, if she’s cursing all the time, you can catch it in real time. You don’t specify whether she’s swearing in the staff lounge, the hallways, or the classroom, but it doesn’t really matter. Students could hear her anywhere. If other staff members have expressed concern, I’d empower them to say something to her in the moment as well.
The texting issue is now in the past, and she addressed it directly. You had a chance to have a conversation about professionalism when that happened, but you let the moment pass. That said, the fact that she was mortified and apologetic leads me to believe she’ll be more careful in the future. Human beings are wired to store embarrassing or painful experiences in our long-term memory. If she slips up again, I’d deal with it immediately and directly.
Flip-flops are pretty neutral territory, too. Is there a dress code? Some schools don’t allow open-backed shoes for safety reasons. I’d let her know the policy and the ramifications for not adhering to it. Of everything you’ve mentioned, the visible bra straps are the least of my concerns, and they’re also the most sensitive issue. I’d tread carefully here and only address it if it’s specifically detailed in your handbook. If you feel you must go there, make sure there’s a woman present for that conversation. I agree with you that two male supervisors talking to a young woman about her bra is ill-advised. I’d also check your own bias. Whether you’re dealing with the bra strap issue, the cursing or the late-night texting, you should treat her as a professional. Your role as a father and your instinct to be protective shouldn’t play into any of this. While I commend you for caring, your obligation is to uphold the procedural codes of the school, not to parent her. Ask yourself whether you’d approach the scenario differently with someone else. If a man were wearing flip-flops, what would you say and do? Are you treating all of your employees the same? If you have any doubts, I’d consult with a HR compliance specialist.
When you meet with her, have the conversation somewhere discreet. Be clear about the rules and regulations and make sure she understands what will happen if she continues to violate the policies. For example, you might let her know that you’ll be documenting infractions, or that you’ll need to involve HR if the problems persist. Be matter-of-fact, tactful and nonjudgmental, and address the behavior, not the person. Don’t argue with her, even if she tries to refute your points. Explain that you don’t want to embarrass or offend her, but the rules apply to everyone. End on a positive note. The good news here is that she’s a promising teacher. It’s easier to train someone to stop swearing than it is it make a dull teacher dynamic and energetic.
Despite her strengths, however, you’ve identified her need for mentoring. She’s young, inexperienced, and impulsive. Her immediate supervisor has some growth edges, too. He’s skittish and uncomfortable about giving her guidance, perhaps because he fears being accused of sexual harassment or discrimination. He needs to step up and properly supervise all members of his department, regardless of age or gender.
On a broader level, I’d send out reminders to the whole staff about issues such as dress code or appropriate workplace behavior. You also could discuss professionalism at a staff meeting. This particular teacher is visibly (and audibly) struggling, but I’m sure she’s not the only one. Now that we’re entering spring, you have a natural opportunity to send out an email along the lines of, “As the weather gets warmer, I want to remind everyone that flip-flops are not allowed.” You can be proactive about this in the future by periodically distributing a link to the handbook. Going forward, I’d also handle these situations the moment they arise. The more time that passes, the greater the likelihood that teachers will believe they have tacit permission to wear and say whatever they want.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
