Q: I keep calling my student’s parents hoping they will partner with me after their son has been rude and disrespectful yet again. This is an ongoing problem. He is disruptive to others, curses in class, does anything but work, and isn’t responsive to any of my usual interventions. No one else in the class is struggling as much as this kid is struggling to behave. I know I can continue to try other strategies and document and involve administrators etc. etc. etc., but that’s not the help I need.
What I want is advice on how to respond to parents who continuously blame ME for not stimulating their child. They keep asking me how I plan to change my teaching to better capture their son’s interest and attention. They absolutely do NOT want to partner with me, they just want to gaslight me. It’s maddening. In the moment, I never know what to say. But now I want to call them up and make them eat their words. It’s infuriating and frustrating to wind up in the same place repeatedly, and now I just want to give them a piece of my mind. What can I say to get through to them?
A: First, don’t call them back when you feel like giving them a piece of your mind. While you’re justifiably angry, your goal is to get through to them. If you approach them in an agitated state, they’ll be more focused on proving you wrong than on wrestling with the underlying issue. If you act unprofessionally, you’ll only reinforce their belief that their child’s misbehavior reflects your deficiencies. Plus, if your goal is to convince them that they’re off-base, you’re likely to hang up feeling even more frustrated. Remember, you have no control over what they believe. So focus instead on what you want to say. Try to identify a few shared goals. Whether or not they blame you for their son’s misbehavior, they presumably want him to be successful and learn. Acknowledge their concerns and share examples of how you’ve tried to engage their child. Don’t get defensive. Let them know you’re open to trying out new ideas and willing to adjust your approach if you see improvement. Perhaps they’d be willing to have a regular check-in conversation to assess whether things are trending in the right direction.
You have no control over what they believe. So focus instead on what you want to say.
It’s important to be honest and transparent, yet also establish boundaries. For instance, underscore that students are responsible for following classroom rules whether or not they feel stimulated and engaged. Let them know that their child is an outlier — that he’s struggling to comply with expectations to a greater degree than others. If you think he needs additional resources, offer to connect them with other sources of support.
In other words, ask the same questions and proceed as if you’re partnering with cooperative, collaborative parents. Stay calm, positive, empathetic and solution-oriented. It’s frustrating that you can’t “make” someone see a situation through your eyes, but the reverse holds true as well. No one can gaslight you unless you let them.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
