Q: I have grown up professionally with a group of teacher colleagues. The five of us started our careers as baby teachers in the same school many moons ago. One of us became a school-based administrator, another became a curriculum specialist, and the rest of us are still teaching and working as department chairs, me included. It’s a tough but rewarding career, and I value these trusted relationships immensely. We meet once a month for dinner to commiserate, cheer each other on, vent, celebrate, counsel each other through personal issues, and generally do all the things that good friends do for one another. We all value loyalty and prioritize friendship.
Recently, I witnessed one of these old friends behaving badly toward a teacher colleague. My old friend didn’t do anything that egregious, but the person he mistreated has filed a grievance and wants me to back them up. The targeted teacher was shocked when I said no. I told them I hadn’t seen or heard much of what happened. But the truth is that I just didn’t want to get involved. The friends in my “baby teacher” group may be the only ones who could understand my reticence. I think any one of them would do the same thing for me. After all these years, this friend has earned my loyalty, and the last thing I want to do is wreck his career. I’ll be honest, though. It’s weighing on me. In truth, I’ve heard talk in the past that he behaves badly with colleagues at times, though I’ve never witnessed anything firsthand. I want to do the right thing, but am I within my rights to decide when and how I want to get involved in this kind of drama? It’s not like I have any authority to discipline him myself.
A: I don’t have the full picture. I don’t know, for instance, if your friend used a biting tone, took credit for this colleague’s work, sexually harassed them, or showed up high and shoved them. But let’s take a step back. You clearly value friendship and loyalty. So much so that you’re willing to protect a friend who didn’t do anything “that egregious.” I think it may be helpful to be honest with yourself. How much heavy lifting is the word that doing in this sentence? If the answer is “a lot,” that would explain your misgivings. I recommend doing some reflecting. What did you see and hear? How severe and pervasive is your friend’s misbehavior? How is it impacting others in your workplace?
It’s hard to have clarity when you hold conflicting values.
It’s hard to have clarity when you hold conflicting values. In this case, you are prioritizing loyalty over integrity. However, you want to do the right thing, which means integrity matters to you, too. Can you try to reconcile these competing values? For instance, would staying silent even help your friend? Is it possible that sticking your head in the sand could even prevent him from getting the support he needs so he can make better choices in the future? In this case, one could argue that honesty is a form of loyalty. You might be the only person in his life who cares enough about him to tell him the truth — to help him own his actions and make amends and find a more ethical way forward. That kind of loyalty could prevent him from wrecking his reputation and his career.
Whether or not you speak up, your friend is the one making poor choices. Your silence alone won’t save him from himself. Besides, if you’re silent (or lie for him), you could end up wrecking your own career and reputation. You may want to seek guidance from someone who is well-versed in employment issues, such as an attorney or human resources representative. That person also might help you strike a balance between being a loyal friend and considering everyone’s best interests.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
